Moving forward with a partner: the new puberty of the 20s

One of the first terms that come to mind when one thinks of relationships is happiness. But in the real world, happiness is fleeting, and it doesn't last forever. Here's the paradox: there's a comfort involved in sustaining that "forever" feeling and cementing it with tangible things that move the relationship along. The actual act of moving in, proposing and being proposed to and getting married are like diamonds in the rough, demonstrating that despite what the future (however bleak it may be) may hold, the happiness that this pair is experiencing is real and built to last. Thanks for the lyrical ideas, Melee.

Ever had those experiences that make you think you're getting old when you see people around your age doing those "grown up" things? Reminds me of grade school days, when it felt like a race to develop, grow breasts and sprout curves. Imagine how much it sucked for late bloomers, when they felt that something was wrong with them. Imagine the pressure to catch up and even pretend to do so in silly and embarrassing way (stuffing, taping hair to oneself). What happens when you get older and older, staying single along the way while everybody else pairs up? It can create feelings of inadequacy, the feeling like one doesn't fit in, with outside opinions to prove it.
Hearing people around my age getting hitched does make me think about it, and while I know in my heart that it's not for me right now, I can't help but wonder.

For those in a relationship, who have been with their high school or college sweetheart since God knows when, time as it elapses can create that pressure to "cement their happiness" by deepening their commitment to each other. And for those who are being smart about it--even to a fault--even beginning to think about the ways to deepen commitment marks the tug-of-war between the head and the heart.  What if the heart can't wait to literally spend every waking 
day with that person, but it's simply not smart to just move in and 
live together at that point?
What if, God forbid, it is smarter to put off a marriage proposal and hurt his feelings rather than the alternative?

The point of the whole matter is, if it is meant to happen, it ought to happen in due time. You just can't force along something like this without it falling apart. The relationship and each party involved develops at its own rate, which admittedly can get problematic. That becomes a real test of true love, if you can respect the other's wishes not to commit further at the moment, and to trust that they're not putting it off out of some horrible character flaw like commitment phobia. But the only thing one can be certain of is oneself. These are the words of my trusted Ate:

Explore anything and everything that you can do before you commit to somebody else and lose such chances forever. It's better to be your best you to share with somebody else rather than becoming your best you in light of the pressures of heavy commitment.

You can look at other people in your age group moving along fast, but you are not one to judge. Just focus on you and your relationship and what is best for it.

If you're meant to marry this person, then it will happen eventually. Just like how everyone ends up fully developed by their late teens, you'll be where you want to be in due time: happy, self-assured, and able to have a generous character to others, whether or not you're married to them.

I don't believe in marriage...so how about making this official?

When you date, you meet all sorts of interesting people.  I dated a guy who, in the span of one date, managed to say the stuff in the title.  Needless to say, I knew that he was going to make me very unhappy in the future, if not now.

One standard that I have kept for myself is that if I date someone who treats weddings like funerals, immediately a switch turns on in my head that tries to come up with the best way to break up with the person.  It only makes sense that commitment ought to grow in a relationship, and attachment anchors it; if there's no desire to commit and no emotional availability, then the inevitable problem of being attached to the wrong person will loom over.  Personally, I'd like to think that I have a future with the guy I'm with, even if the future is just another date or another promise to meet, a phone call, or a ring.  If the thought of marriage (no matter how ridiculously early it is) never crossed my mind with the guy, then he's either not right for me to marry or just not right at all.  It can work the opposite way: if somebody is emotionally unavailable or unwilling to commit in the form of marriage, chances are it's because it's not the right partner or because he or she is really messed up.  

"We'll have no future together, it'll be great."  Yeah, right.  

I don't mean to come down hard on noncommitals who date, but if they get close and then pull away, it's out of fear or total malice.  Those who are scared should've spent more time mustering enough courage before ever venturing out into the world of dating and all its ugliness.

I mean, it's great to get this out in the open, if someone's just dating for fun and games, and not looking for a good person to marry.  Thing is, they're only good for the short-term, and those dating for the long-term should make it a point to keep it short with these people.  It's for their own damn good.  Nothing's more insulting than someone who speaks in contradictions...it makes everybody else associated with them seem just as hypocritical and stupid.  So please, please know what you want in a relationship (if long-term or just dating around) and find someone else that matches that.  

Great Expectations

Today I wrote in my regular public blog about expectations.  But in romantic relationships, expectations are just as tricky, maybe even more so.  Between blood relatives, expectations are just mere flies compared to what role they play in 
romantic relationships. In romantic relationships, expectations are everything.  They affect an individual's behavior and feelings in the relationship as it goes on.  Usually it's for ill.  

Take the story of friends becoming a couple.  What's the first thing to notice?  Their expectations of each other will change.  For all we know, one would expect the other to not have friends of the opposite sex anymore, or would expect them to call every day...or else.  Mind you that the "or else" in this scenario consists of perfectly valid feelings that shouldn't be ignored.  I don't blame the outbursts; I blame the expectation in the first place.

Another thing to note is that there is a difference between expectations and standards.  Standards are a good way 
to insure that 
you're not being treated like a doormat, but expectations tend 
to apply to tiny little 
things as opposed to safeguarding one's well-being, give or take a few partner's quirks or annoying habits.  Besides, those kinds of things are better off forgotten.

So there you have it.  Don't have ridiculous expectations, and know when you have them.  They have little to do with the other person, and more to do with you; if the partner is going to be your only source of strokes, that means you're missing other means of support when other things go wrong in your life.  Ridiculous expectations create tension and pressure, two words famously associated with stress.  Too much stress in relationships causes breakups.  Most of all, reacting to expectations are what makes or breaks a relationship.  
 

Negatives

It's not a nice place to be for anybody.  It's not nice to make sweeping generalizations about a certain gender, ethnicity or race.  And most of all, negative thinking does the negative thinker a great disservice.  It's because the kind of thinking you have will affect what things will happen to you in the future.  

If there's one thing an individual could never have enough of when it comes to relationships, it's agency.  It takes a lot of knowledge to know when to take charge of a situation and to take charge of your own feelings.  Shocking surprises are not a good thing to have in a relationship.  But I didn't write this entry just to blog motivationally.  I wrote this to attack cynical jadedness.  

Continuing to believe that "all _____ are scum" or "I'm just being realistic about the world out there, not so much jaded" is just speculation.  There is nothing fully real or factual about it.  If there's anything only you can be sure of, it's yourself and the way you think.  No matter how willing or interested another person is, negative thinking will always be the wall that they will keep hitting and eventually stop hitting because there is nothing else to do at that point.  Beliefs are so pervasive that psychologists make money off of issuing cognitive-behavioral therapy, or shrink sessions where the patient spends time trying to find out how to change beliefs around so they can emotionally function on their own in the real world.  You don't even have to say a word and chances are other people can get the vibe that you're hurt and not worth investing their future happiness on if all you believe is that you'll just get hurt in the end.

So I spent three paragraphs explaining why negative thinking is bad, and why it has to go away.  But how can one turn it around?
-Cognitive-behavioral therapy.  In other words, see a shrink.  He or she can help sort out your issues if you have a hard time doing it yourself.
-Have some friends.  They can help with the downs and they're someone to share the ups with.
-Keep telling yourself that you really can't ultimately control the outcome of each relationship, but be satisfied that you gave it your all.  If you didn't, chalk it up to experience and vow to learn from that mistake.  It pays to be smarter each time.
-Give yourself time to grieve.  It's normal to be in a low place if only with due reason.  Which means, it's okay to cry every now and then, but not okay to rationalize other negative feelings 
unrelated to the cause of the original grief.  
-On the other hand, use the experiences that you've been given.  They exist so that you can make better sense of all the things that's happened to you.
-Give yourself a chance to be happy.  Try to believe that you deserve happiness, and that it will only come from you.  Trust me, it works.

   

How soon is too soon?

How soon is too soon for anything?  How soon is too soon to get someone a gift?  How soon is too soon to become exclusive?  
How soon is too soon to ramp up the intimacy?

I hate to say it, but IT DEPENDS.  It depends on the reasons for doing them, and what kind of act is being done or is being implied.  Sure, it pays to be thoughtful, it's no problem that I casually leave my copy of The New York Times in his car for him to read or lend him a book or a mug or poster.  It's friendly.  Nothing more, nothing less (at least it shouldn't be, otherwise there will be problems).  If anything, it's the weighty gifts like flowers (that depends too), jewelry and underwear that have to be placed on a timetable in order to be safe.  Personally, I'd freak out if I was being wooed and given a crystal necklace within a month of going out with such a prince.  
Bottom line: It still takes some getting to know the other person 
before deciding on a gift that will create its intended effect.

How soon is too soon to become intimate (physically and emotionally)?
I'm thoroughly convinced that having physical relations too soon creates the problem of dangerously anachronistic attachment.  For anybody who's gone past this threshold, lots of things just happen.  Passions can just simply unhinge, and the moment and environment can be just right to be vulnerable.  This is where people should create a 
balance in pacing of both attraction and compatibility (the right 
amount being introduced at the right time).  Everybody deserves to know what they're getting into, and relationships are no exception.

How soon is it to be exclusive?
It really depends.  Bottom line is that it is a risk to take.  At best, it's calculated.  As long as that's done, an exclusive relationship has a chance.  Same applies to marriage.  Consider as many factors as possible, and keep your smart cap on.  

There's no timetable for any of this, because you have to think it through.  I found it hilarious that I was being badgered for having a timetable in my head on when I decided to put out.  In my head, that wasn't the issue.  I didn't have a timetable with that guy; I had issues with him instead, wondering if he was going to be the right guy to share fears, hopes and dreams with if he was going to keep pushing back on the physical boundaries I have set before him.  Why gamble if you're not sure you have a chance of winning?  

Monogamy

How important is it to know where you stand on monogamy? Should one be quick to trust when another says, "I'm a long-term type of person?" And what about the ethics of open relationships?

Monogamy is just as confusing as trying to find out your sexual orientation; lately, I've been 'confused' for years at a time, even though I could've sworn I was meant for the long-term. If there's asexual, there's noncommital. If there's bisexual, there's serial monogamy. I wouldn't fill in the rest for the sake of political correctness. It's not that I don't know, it's that I'm never sure if I'm meant for one guy or one too many.

To answer my previous question, it's damn important to know whether you're monogamous or not. Your very happiness hinges on it. Nothing is more painful than realizing that the other person wanted something completely different from what you wanted; even accidentally wanting something else doesn't make it any less painful (more understandable, but no less painful). Which means, you get extra credit for finding out what the other person is really about too. It really pays to be smart about things here, and to not take a guy's words at face value. Women lie too, saying that they're not looking for something long-term just to sound cool and independent. And if a man says he's monogamous, but dreads the thought of marriage, then he doesn't break hearts (rather, he carves them out with a serrated knife in the form of his own fun). What I'm really saying here is that you as a person need to know what you honestly believe about monogamy, and know what the other person believes (not necessarily says) about it too.

So to get to the actual workings and benefits of monogamy, it's like insurance and security. Sure it's a label, but it's also an emotional and mental allowance to be able to let yourself go. I hesistate to say that that it's allowance to let go of some responsibility because it's really a shift in the kind of responsibility you now take: your partner's feelings. Taking care of another person is very different from taking care of yourself. There's nothing like feeling like someone else has got your back, and you can totally be yourself and still be looked after. It takes a lot of trust and communication to clarify that kind of situation, and that is why monogamy can be a big deal. It draws out the new rules for mutual happiness.

Playing the smart card

Seriously, I consider it to be the biggest asset you can have in the dating world. Here are the smart card's stats:
-your heart is protected
-you can be physically and emotionally intact
-having fun with discretion is always good
-you're taking it step by step
-your head and your heart are taking turns leading the way (neither one gets too tired and crashes)
-you get to think objectively and positively through your breakups
-ability to see through hidden agendas and to be on the lookout for it
-able to spot gold more easily than just winging it completely
-you'll know better from your mistakes

yes, I keep a smart card. It'll do you good too in finding Mr. or Miss Right.

Is age only a number?

When I went to a law school info session, the Dean of Admissions had a creative way of combating the myth of law school admissions only being about numbers. She asked, "Would you choose a good marriage partner based on only two numbers, neither of them being their salary?"

So what would the two numbers most likely be? Age and I don't know, number of divorces? Anyways, age is a big thing. It holds me back. Sometimes I'd wonder how many years is too much. How many years before it becomes taboo, before the age gap triggers visceral reactions?

Originally, I had drafted this entry in January, not knowing that I'd run into a real-life encounter with this issue. Originally, I wrote this entry being primarily cautious about the ages of those I found myself attracted to. I worried about being a cougar, or looking for a father-figure substitute. You see, my crushes and the like usually consist of boys months younger and men over five years older than me. And after hearing firsthand accounts and "doing research" on a nine-year age gap, the best answer is that it really depends.

To answer the question, age really is just a number, only it just happens to be one that carries certain generalizations. They can be true, they can be wrong. Bottom line is, age is just a number, but the problems that may follow are another thing. My research shows that different ages imply different stages of life, one area that immediately warns that the two with an age gap may want different things at the moment; one wants to settle, the other still just wants to date around, for example. There is also an assumed power difference in which the younger person will feel pressured to be more submissive due to a relative lack of experience. The older person will have already been on the other side of certain things and can use experience to prove to the younger partner that it's not such a bad thing to rush up to their level. It gets problematic when playing catch-up with the older partner brings about regret, like no chance to experience young adulthood or differing interests. The very nature of this power difference also provides more chances for the older partner to take advantage of the younger partner in many ways. For one thing, it's easy for the older partner to lord their life experience and relative higher accomplishment in life as justification or excuse to dismiss the younger partner; the longer that goes on in the relationship, the younger one will feel like their partner never respects them or their opinions. It is also very easy for such a relationship to turn into one of control, much like the patterns existing in sexual and domestic violence. Overall, there are many things to consider, and because of that, a relationship with such an age gap has to be taken very slowly; one can never be too safe.

There is so much to look out for when there's an age gap. So why even pursue it? In my personal experience, I'm attracted to maturity; I value it so much because it is one of the things that shows that he won't pull something stupid on me. Older men tend to be more mature, but it really varies from person to person. As for being attracted to boys a few months younger than me, it's for superficial reasons and being able to have my way with them. They've got looks, they've got energy...need I say more? But just like pursuing any relationship in general, each age bracket has its own set of perks, problems and possibilities.

Leaving well enough alone

It's the same as agreeing to disagree. And sometimes, it's the best thing to do. Case in point: should you pop a pimple?

I don't know if it's a gendered concept to be the one who tries to makes things better, since girls can also be the ones who try to bring things back to the way they were. Or maybe I'm just being a smart girl who believes that it's impossible to be friends with an ex because it'll give my incredibly stupid heart some false hope. I don't talk to anybody whom it doesn't work out with, even though it is tempting to call them as if everything's cool. Because it's not. That's the truth, and heaven knows if it will change in due time. In Sex and the City, Miranda Hobbes is a lawyer. In her record, she's a pragmatic woman who cannot be friends with exes. The one person she remained friends with as an ex is the one she ended up marrying. The one who wants things to be okay after a breakup still wants something, whether it's to get back together or some harmony. And there are times when smart girls know that neither is impossible for their stupid hearts.

To go back to my original concept, is it the dumpers who feel that things have to be okay and thus try to say hi or make small talk with their exes? Being on the receiving end, it's not okay. Ideally, I'd have a world where I would never have to see him again. I'd feel like a fool if I ever smiled at him again and re-fed all those neural pathways that used to make me happy or wildly obssessed just thinking about him. Oh, it's embarrassing alright. To think that someone like him made me happy. I'd like to forget. Just like how a smoker should avoid liquor stores and club scenes and parties if they're trying to quit, a spurned lover must get rid of the reminders. And for the dumpers? You dumped them, so you should expect NOTHING. Live with it, because the dumped have been trying so hard to live with it ever since.

Getting attached

The last time I got attached feels like a huge mistake. And yet I haven't even given myself an actual definition of what attachment was.
So it most likely means being close to the point where one cannot imagine life without the other. In a way, it feels like two people are one. When they just keep thinking about the other. You know, all that bullshit.
One of the most surefire ways for a girl to get attached is to have sex with her and give her a reason to sleep with you because you're a great guy to spend time with. She will most likely come out unscathed without attachment if you give her no reason to be, or she just wants the consummation, nothing else. I don't know why it happens, but it does, and that's why religion demonizes sex so much because it really can hurt lots of people when it leads to lopsided attachments. Advice for men: don't give her anything that could make her think there's something more, like a relationship beyond friendship. Advice for women: Constantly re-evaluate your reasons for sleeping with someone and act on them accordingly.
Another way is to spend a lot of time with her. She will not forget the time you spend with her and remember that time down to every last detail. If the time spent makes her feel good, she'll use the time spent with another for her strokes and pretty much find it difficult to go through life happy without the time spent with the other.

To be honest, I'm freaking out that I may be getting attached to a friend. He's instant laughter, a South Campus brain and someone who knows how to coax others out of their shyness when they're trying something new (read: non-judgmental). Then again, I may only be noticing attachment for its own sake, because I don't really get attached to men as much as I do with women. Oh the confusion.

Conclusion: I like him as a friend and the intense obsession over the nature of my attachment subsided days after freaking out over it. I guess this one is an okay attachment. I'll only start freaking out if he writes a song...

Marriage and The Pill

Marriage is like The Pill, especially when it comes to having children.

I'll make this short, given the time. I really do believe that women on the pill are at risk for std's because of the higher chances that they'll take risks. As if The Pill is insurance against one of the setbacks of life that having sex can result in. So no pregnancy, no problem. Forget a condom? That's okay, the body already thinks it's pregnant. Throw caution to the wind.

Abstaining until marriage. Obviously my extended family holds marriage in such high regard, and I can see why. It's very binding, and it's a new life altogether. Just the thought of that makes bedtime extra nice, and it's scientifically proven too.

I don't want to make this black and white, because both The Pill and marriage can give a false sense of security. The Pill lessens chances of getting pregnant, and if a child is conceived in marriage, it'll be alright, because at least the child has a mom and a dad. There are no less responsibilities when deciding to have sex, regardless of whether it is protected by a pill or by a sacred institution. Age doesn't lessen any risks of unplanned pregnancy either.

Eventually we all learn that we must always be on our toes about everything. There is no single magic thing that could take away all our worries. Unplanned pregnancies between married couples change a lot of lives, sometimes irrevocably. That's scary. After all of this, what's the point of even going on The Pill, getting married, or even having sex in the first place? And which one of those answers even merits being a good enough point made?

Who's truly the sick one here?

It's almost the norm to treat singlehood as a disease. Even those who willingly stay single might even imply that they're sick in some way and don't want to be attached like normal people would like to be. Let me rephrase that: even those who want to stay single still define their singlehood against attachment and might even adhere to the label as an excuse to just bitch about their situation, their entire life.

Personally, I thought it was normal for me to be single until a friend told me that she can picture me with someone. I'm not mad at her for telling me that, but I am mad at myself for even thinking about it. My misandry, however shaky, kept me above that kind of worry, until I had a breakdown. When something close to me is disturbed, like family, friends or my home, everything else falls. This concern, this worry that "I'm nothing without a man" didn't consume me fully until I got sick on other levels: until I lost my voice, lost my sanity in my living quarters, and lost my sleep, all at the same time. I worried about loneliness when I was sick; I wasn't sick because I was lonely. That's why I don't believe singlehood is a disease, unless one treats it like one in their mind. Chances are they're already diseased in some other way.

So we can be diseased with singlehood, or diseased with neediness. What can we do in the meantime? Sleep it off and take our meds and just rest and relax on the whole matter. That should do a world of good. Eventually being single won't be as bad as seeing plaid spots on the bathtub.

"But I thought you said you're nothing without a man."
"Oh please, I was troubled that night."
or
"Honey, I was delirious. I also saw plaid spots on the bathtub." -Samantha Jones

The prospects of juggling

We juggle many tasks in our life simultaneously.
Is it thrilling? If accomplishing several goals at once is, yes.
Is it dangerous? Of course.
How often should it be done? Only once in a while.

The premise of John Tucker Must Die is funny, but I'm afraid those girls may have themselves to blame. Cheating is bad, and it erodes at one's integrity at an alarming rate. But since when was commitment ever an unspoken given?

I once made the mistake of telling someone that dating several people at once seems fun. Then he proceeded to cheat on his girlfriend that night. Still, that doesn't stop me. There's no one for me to learn to love, trust, respect and communicate the dickens out of as of this moment. That's just a green light for me to expedite the process of seeing what kind of man I'd like to marry. Call it frivolous naivete, I call it an opportunity to know better, perhaps through my most convincing teacher, experience. Will it be a John Tucker one? Maybe. But what happens if a girl isn't monogamous as opposed to a guy who isn't monogamous?

As my dreams of getting married loom closer and closer towards my head, I still have to take some steps of having a fun time as a bachelorette, no matter how geared my heart is for continual long-term relationships. I will not, however, double book. I don't believe I'm unfaithful, but just limiting myself to dating one man at a time seems to be unfair to both the other guy party and myself. And I don't believe that dating somebody immediately equals ownership. I may have learned that the hard way.

Excuses to see the other person again

When is a cigar just a cigar, a kiss just a kiss, or leaving or lending stuff just what it is?

In the movie X-men, Logan leaves his dog tags with Rogue and tells her that this is how you'll know for sure that we'll meet again.

There is definitely a language communicated through inanimate objects. People give and receive flowers, a plush animal, flowers, and even the color of the roses signify something. But what I'm curious about is how often people purposely leave stuff behind or lend stuff to another person. I've done that quite a lot of times myself: leave stuff with the "I'll definitely see you again sometime" intention. In fact, that's my weird way of showing that I like someone: they'll have a hefty amount of stuff that actually belongs to me. Of course, that intention gets lost in the shuffle of plain wanting to be hospitable at the same time. I can lend a book because I really want them to read it. So the language of leaving stuff behind is actually becoming increasingly more complex than I orginally thought. I mean, I could leave food behind, lend food on a regular basis and it doesn't mean much. Maybe it does.

But the big underlying question is whether the person is attracted or not. At that point, so what if they leave their scarf, or forget their hat; there's no more uncertainty of seeing the person again, so leaving and lending doesn't have a huge statement.