The Other Girl

What women should learn about men: Men are hunters when the situation presses it.
What men should learn about women: Most women see any kind of closeness as something that's shared, not only taken.

Sure, it can apply vice versa, but the approach to this kind of conflict will undoubtedly be different between the sexes. I'm talking about infidelity or anything that may come off as it. How can some guys get close to another girl and honestly say they still care about their girlfriend?

Truth be told, Dr. Phil is actually a god when it comes to this. Here's an excerpt from Oprah's magazine: "There is definitely a double standard with men when it comes to fidelity. If they are having an extramarital affair or an extra-relational affair, they'll probably look at it as if they are going and taking something from a woman, not giving something of themselves away. There's no emotional investment there."

Well, he talked about something else. If one feels deprived of something in a relationship, he or she will look for it, either by talking out the concerns with those that matter, or by finding other people to fill that void in their own relationship. The difference lies in how men and women go about responding to whatever kind of void they have in their relationships.

When I look back on what's happened to me, turns out I've been the other girl quite a bit. I was simply used for the intellectual connection and recently, sex. In my junior year I met someone noticeably intelligent, someone I was actually intimidated of. And yet he told me he enjoys talking to me (those intelligent conversations and whatnot) and freely mentioned his girlfriend. Needless to say I ended that with "you cad!"

It sucks to be the other girl. It sucks to be prey too. No wonder I felt so used, that I gave myself away for nothing in return. In the end I can just say, "ugh, guys." Or I can make sure I'm not easy prey again.

Nothing to lose

There was one thing that really made me stop and think when reading an interview done on an AIDS activist. She said it so matter-of-factly that rape survivors sometimes become increasingly sexually active. And upon reading that, I wonder if my next-door neighbor wrecked my life forever and if I should've pressed charges, because I'm surprised at how much this has affected me. I'm a textbook case, but I don't want to subject myself to the fate that medical books sentence me to, whether it be becoming sexually repressed or promiscuous.

I desperately want to believe that it's behind me and isn't clouding my judgment to this very day. I want to learn whatever lesson there is to learn from it as quickly as I can so I can live my life unobstructed by it. And I also do want to believe that physical intimacy is everything they say it is. I mean, how can all that talk of it be true when from firsthand experience I only have a negative view of it?

Maybe that's why survivors of sexual assault become promiscuous. After their experience, they feel like they no longer have anything to lose when it comes to finding that ideal feeling with sex. So there's a tendency to keep looking for it in the wrong places, because the wrong places are where sex just appears to be so readily available. More chances to find that right feeling.

I think I just need to fall in love and find the right guy first. Or maybe not screw up any other opportunities for love that are right under my nose by this...baggage. For all we know, this is probably who I am, assaulted or not. Sometimes I wouldn't mind noncommital physical action, but I know I'll get attached. Perhaps I have a lot more to lose than I originally thought.

You temptress, you

So Tuesday afternoon I go to the premiere of Cheaper by the Dozen 2 in Westwood with Jaimee. We took our places near Starbucks so we could see the celebs walk in right before they enter the theater. And just so she can get a better shot of Hillary Duff, she moves up to the front, while I try to make do with the better visibility that I found elsewhere.
Part of me should stop acting surprised over what happened. I got hit on. Again. A man kept trying to talk to me, telling me he saw Carmen Electra with Dave Navarro, said my hair is thick but beautiful, offered to hoist me up on his shoulder for a better view, asked me if I was Filipino, and tried talking to me in Tagalog. He asked me more stuff like where I live. I think his name was David, but I was just so uninterested because he looked old and I could swear he was rubbing up against my ass. I told him I was with a friend, but I didn't want to point her out due to fear of what he might do to her.
So Jaimee totally saved me by calling me and saying that there's more space at the front. He still asked me for coffee afterwards, and asked me for my phone number. I refused both offers, and he got the idea.
I don't know how much I can keep relying on Jaimee like that. I fear her safety too, and I seem to be attracting quite a bit of danger that might include her in the line of fire. And I know there are sickos out there who actually think that Jaimee and I would be an object of their fetishism.
But yeah, after all of that I still feel like getting hit on is weird because I don't think I'm that attractive.

Without You

My dreams of romance are shattered. I could only utter, "oh."
But at the same time, I'm telling myself, "welcome back Dawn! I've missed you!"
This is the only way I could move on. Maybe I'm supposed to feel this way, to give up hopes for now. I value my singlehood. I also fall out of love quite easily. Which means I can walk away. I know myself to be this way, to eventually extricate myself from some very tempting feelings and kill my feelings effectively. So dumping me can mean huge regrets. I make idiots pay, basically.

But this is an exception. I harbor no contempt over what happened or over the reason he suggested a "hiatus." I'm done crying over being a slave to my hormones, and I certainly don't wish to be menopausal with sagging breasts, hot flashes and other indications of estrogen deprivation. Romance is fleeting, but so is sadness. Complaining nor getting my ovaries removed will solve the problem, much less make me happy.

I got it from my mom. She's told me such horrible stories, but every time, she leaves every single jerk. So what if he still has feelings for her? It's his fucking fault. She cannot believe that they ask her if she's gonna go back to them. The answer's very obvious. That's the same set of lines she tells me whenever I'm miserable because of other people. She says "imagine how miserable I was, finding out that my boyfriend was totally what I didn't expect. But I told him that I can leave if he doesn't fix himself." Thank God I'm her daughter. She tells me I'm not quite there yet though.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I never cared. I do get sad and miserable, crying and losing sleep and refusing to eat. I just try not to be so public about my grieving. And I don't like being sad or angry, so given all problems solved and all questions answered on my end, it takes a day max for me to get over it. Still, "Without You" from My Fair Lady is filled with Eliza's contempt towards Higgins. When will there ever be a Broadway number about just plain falling out of love? Eh, Lea Salonga will suffice for now:

The sweetest songs fade to echoes in the wind
The best of times must end, so a new day can begin
And the dreams we dream that seem so real at night
Must meet the morning light and vanish from our sight

It's just good-bye, remember
Time was never our friend
We walked the road together
and we came to the end
It's just good-bye, now I won't tell you not to cry
But I swear that what we had won't die
Cause it isn't over, it's just good-bye

I close my eyes and I still can see your face
I know the truth of us, can't be bound by time or space
And the joy we shared, the magic that we've known
Is something that we own, though we may be alone

It's just good-bye
It doesn't really matter why
I know what we had can never die
Cause I'll always love you
Yes, I'll always love you
So, it's just good-bye

I will not lie to myself, nor will I discount my feelings

I cannot sleep at this hour. Which means there are many more things on my mind that will refuse to let me rest. After allowing some concerns to be marinated on, still I have unanswered questions, that maybe a relationship should not be started, but what to do with this attraction?

Lies do not only mean false witness, but also mean a withholding of truth. The fact that I don't know is what my very being will not allow with myself. I can't go on as if everything's okay, when there's this lie within my consciousness. I don't know what he wants.

At the same time, I won't discount my feelings. Starting from scratch, bumping down the state of affairs from what it is now, seems like a discounting of feelings. I refuse to throw away what is there, thinking that the test of time is sorely needed. Feelings die. Deliberately stymieing it may expedite the decay of feelings.

He shouldn't have to torture himself like this either. Is he really going to lie to himself and try to put it out of mind for the sake of knowing me as a friend? A platonic friend at that?

I've given myself time to sort this out, knowing that maybe it's going fast. I'm willing to put a hold on commitment, but attraction and feelings, I don't know if that's possible.