Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Moving forward with a partner: the new puberty of the 20s

One of the first terms that come to mind when one thinks of relationships is happiness. But in the real world, happiness is fleeting, and it doesn't last forever. Here's the paradox: there's a comfort involved in sustaining that "forever" feeling and cementing it with tangible things that move the relationship along. The actual act of moving in, proposing and being proposed to and getting married are like diamonds in the rough, demonstrating that despite what the future (however bleak it may be) may hold, the happiness that this pair is experiencing is real and built to last. Thanks for the lyrical ideas, Melee.

Ever had those experiences that make you think you're getting old when you see people around your age doing those "grown up" things? Reminds me of grade school days, when it felt like a race to develop, grow breasts and sprout curves. Imagine how much it sucked for late bloomers, when they felt that something was wrong with them. Imagine the pressure to catch up and even pretend to do so in silly and embarrassing way (stuffing, taping hair to oneself). What happens when you get older and older, staying single along the way while everybody else pairs up? It can create feelings of inadequacy, the feeling like one doesn't fit in, with outside opinions to prove it.
Hearing people around my age getting hitched does make me think about it, and while I know in my heart that it's not for me right now, I can't help but wonder.

For those in a relationship, who have been with their high school or college sweetheart since God knows when, time as it elapses can create that pressure to "cement their happiness" by deepening their commitment to each other. And for those who are being smart about it--even to a fault--even beginning to think about the ways to deepen commitment marks the tug-of-war between the head and the heart.  What if the heart can't wait to literally spend every waking 
day with that person, but it's simply not smart to just move in and 
live together at that point?
What if, God forbid, it is smarter to put off a marriage proposal and hurt his feelings rather than the alternative?

The point of the whole matter is, if it is meant to happen, it ought to happen in due time. You just can't force along something like this without it falling apart. The relationship and each party involved develops at its own rate, which admittedly can get problematic. That becomes a real test of true love, if you can respect the other's wishes not to commit further at the moment, and to trust that they're not putting it off out of some horrible character flaw like commitment phobia. But the only thing one can be certain of is oneself. These are the words of my trusted Ate:

Explore anything and everything that you can do before you commit to somebody else and lose such chances forever. It's better to be your best you to share with somebody else rather than becoming your best you in light of the pressures of heavy commitment.

You can look at other people in your age group moving along fast, but you are not one to judge. Just focus on you and your relationship and what is best for it.

If you're meant to marry this person, then it will happen eventually. Just like how everyone ends up fully developed by their late teens, you'll be where you want to be in due time: happy, self-assured, and able to have a generous character to others, whether or not you're married to them.

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