Great Expectations

Today I wrote in my regular public blog about expectations.  But in romantic relationships, expectations are just as tricky, maybe even more so.  Between blood relatives, expectations are just mere flies compared to what role they play in 
romantic relationships. In romantic relationships, expectations are everything.  They affect an individual's behavior and feelings in the relationship as it goes on.  Usually it's for ill.  

Take the story of friends becoming a couple.  What's the first thing to notice?  Their expectations of each other will change.  For all we know, one would expect the other to not have friends of the opposite sex anymore, or would expect them to call every day...or else.  Mind you that the "or else" in this scenario consists of perfectly valid feelings that shouldn't be ignored.  I don't blame the outbursts; I blame the expectation in the first place.

Another thing to note is that there is a difference between expectations and standards.  Standards are a good way 
to insure that 
you're not being treated like a doormat, but expectations tend 
to apply to tiny little 
things as opposed to safeguarding one's well-being, give or take a few partner's quirks or annoying habits.  Besides, those kinds of things are better off forgotten.

So there you have it.  Don't have ridiculous expectations, and know when you have them.  They have little to do with the other person, and more to do with you; if the partner is going to be your only source of strokes, that means you're missing other means of support when other things go wrong in your life.  Ridiculous expectations create tension and pressure, two words famously associated with stress.  Too much stress in relationships causes breakups.  Most of all, reacting to expectations are what makes or breaks a relationship.  
 

Negatives

It's not a nice place to be for anybody.  It's not nice to make sweeping generalizations about a certain gender, ethnicity or race.  And most of all, negative thinking does the negative thinker a great disservice.  It's because the kind of thinking you have will affect what things will happen to you in the future.  

If there's one thing an individual could never have enough of when it comes to relationships, it's agency.  It takes a lot of knowledge to know when to take charge of a situation and to take charge of your own feelings.  Shocking surprises are not a good thing to have in a relationship.  But I didn't write this entry just to blog motivationally.  I wrote this to attack cynical jadedness.  

Continuing to believe that "all _____ are scum" or "I'm just being realistic about the world out there, not so much jaded" is just speculation.  There is nothing fully real or factual about it.  If there's anything only you can be sure of, it's yourself and the way you think.  No matter how willing or interested another person is, negative thinking will always be the wall that they will keep hitting and eventually stop hitting because there is nothing else to do at that point.  Beliefs are so pervasive that psychologists make money off of issuing cognitive-behavioral therapy, or shrink sessions where the patient spends time trying to find out how to change beliefs around so they can emotionally function on their own in the real world.  You don't even have to say a word and chances are other people can get the vibe that you're hurt and not worth investing their future happiness on if all you believe is that you'll just get hurt in the end.

So I spent three paragraphs explaining why negative thinking is bad, and why it has to go away.  But how can one turn it around?
-Cognitive-behavioral therapy.  In other words, see a shrink.  He or she can help sort out your issues if you have a hard time doing it yourself.
-Have some friends.  They can help with the downs and they're someone to share the ups with.
-Keep telling yourself that you really can't ultimately control the outcome of each relationship, but be satisfied that you gave it your all.  If you didn't, chalk it up to experience and vow to learn from that mistake.  It pays to be smarter each time.
-Give yourself time to grieve.  It's normal to be in a low place if only with due reason.  Which means, it's okay to cry every now and then, but not okay to rationalize other negative feelings 
unrelated to the cause of the original grief.  
-On the other hand, use the experiences that you've been given.  They exist so that you can make better sense of all the things that's happened to you.
-Give yourself a chance to be happy.  Try to believe that you deserve happiness, and that it will only come from you.  Trust me, it works.

   

And Dawn's Next Boyfriend is...

How soon is too soon?

How soon is too soon for anything?  How soon is too soon to get someone a gift?  How soon is too soon to become exclusive?  
How soon is too soon to ramp up the intimacy?

I hate to say it, but IT DEPENDS.  It depends on the reasons for doing them, and what kind of act is being done or is being implied.  Sure, it pays to be thoughtful, it's no problem that I casually leave my copy of The New York Times in his car for him to read or lend him a book or a mug or poster.  It's friendly.  Nothing more, nothing less (at least it shouldn't be, otherwise there will be problems).  If anything, it's the weighty gifts like flowers (that depends too), jewelry and underwear that have to be placed on a timetable in order to be safe.  Personally, I'd freak out if I was being wooed and given a crystal necklace within a month of going out with such a prince.  
Bottom line: It still takes some getting to know the other person 
before deciding on a gift that will create its intended effect.

How soon is too soon to become intimate (physically and emotionally)?
I'm thoroughly convinced that having physical relations too soon creates the problem of dangerously anachronistic attachment.  For anybody who's gone past this threshold, lots of things just happen.  Passions can just simply unhinge, and the moment and environment can be just right to be vulnerable.  This is where people should create a 
balance in pacing of both attraction and compatibility (the right 
amount being introduced at the right time).  Everybody deserves to know what they're getting into, and relationships are no exception.

How soon is it to be exclusive?
It really depends.  Bottom line is that it is a risk to take.  At best, it's calculated.  As long as that's done, an exclusive relationship has a chance.  Same applies to marriage.  Consider as many factors as possible, and keep your smart cap on.  

There's no timetable for any of this, because you have to think it through.  I found it hilarious that I was being badgered for having a timetable in my head on when I decided to put out.  In my head, that wasn't the issue.  I didn't have a timetable with that guy; I had issues with him instead, wondering if he was going to be the right guy to share fears, hopes and dreams with if he was going to keep pushing back on the physical boundaries I have set before him.  Why gamble if you're not sure you have a chance of winning?  

Midterms and Halloween

Midterm crunch week...was very taxing. Not much happened, and the bachelorette was too tired to even do much except sit around and watch a scary movie and some programs before heading off to bed on Halloween. The National Geographic Channel was actually more interesting than 30 Days of Night.  

The bachelorette tried studying with one of the contestants, and eventually she got her work done...eventually.  Nonetheless, the next night was marked by fatigue and rest with intertwining limbs.  

Highlight: checking the excess baggage at the door.  The 'exes' talk and the bad patterns of each contestant (bachelorette included) discussed.  

The bachelorette has had a history of making high chemistry her singly most important goal, realizing over time that a good, lasting long-term relationship must be rooted in friendship.  That is why she is looking for someone she can talk to and hold close at the same time.

The leading contestant is actually the opposite. In the past, he got into relationships with girls who were good friends first, but as the relationships wore on, they turned platonic or cracked under external pressure.  He's hoping that by being on "Dawn's Next Boyfriend" the bachelorette will create enough unfamiliarity to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Are the bachelorette's feelings getting ahead of her?  Will Dawn just be another platonic friend? Find out on the next episode of "Dawn's Next Boyfriend"

Coming up...
Birthdays!
Meeting the parents
Surviving "the talk"