I refuse to fall

I just do. You can call it high standards, fear of commitment, or enjoying singlehood a whole lot. Funny how my mom has standards on whatever guy I appear to have my sights on. Like when I talked to her about Mikey. To me, he is only pleasing to the eyes, nothing more (at least to the extent that I can think of):
"There's this cute guy on my floor..."
"What is he going to do with his life?"
"Mom, he's a Chem E major"
"Oo then, get into Engineering too"

Heheh, I thought that was funny. Sometimes I really do wonder if one can choose to have feelings for anybody, or if it just happens. Of if one chooses, then it's not as good as if it just happens. It's just that no matter how many times I tell myself that I don't like somebody, it can prove more and more just how deep I can be in denial.

Crazy

That's all I can say about this situation. Apparently I have a blind date this Thursday. But I just want it to be coffee in Westwood. There's not much more I can say about this, except I'm a bit ambivalent, and hardly excited about it. I just want to get it overwith. My trust issues kick in, and I particularly don't trust that I'm venturing into Westwood alone. I'll stop babbling now.

But now there's nowhere to hide...

since you pushed my love aside- Come on, this is not me. I don't have any feelings to feel like this, but I do. Maybe it's because the situation is similar: Guy expects something, girl just doesn't give it to him, and while the girl doesn't compromise herself, she can't help but feel regretful. And that's why yesterday I've had "Hopelessly Devoted to You" stuck in my head all day. Am I supposed to regret this? Because I really do feel as bad as Sandy did in Grease. My head tells me I did the right thing, but I still feel guilty. I think I'll ease the guilt by delivering pancit.

Okay, I'm either celibate or not even attracted to guys

Or maybe clubbing isn't my thing. It's just that...I dunno, it's kinda weird for me to be thinking about this at this hour. I just got back from an 80s theme in a nearby club, and my experience was so-so. I was still shy and inhibited, and tried to do anything that could possibly pass as dancing. So yeah, you could guess how I felt when James would ask me to dance. A bit like this-> :\ because he dances, I don't.
Jess has asked me before, "Do you really not like him?" Sad to say, yes. Sometimes I don't want to say no, but I seem to get into more trouble by not saying anything. The stuff he does that could count as affection doesn't get to me. Sure, I consider reciprocating, but what does that make me? miserable, possibly. Perhaps deep down I mean it more than I will ever say out loud: "I don't like him" I don't regret this night turning out the way it did, James dancing with someone else, Rhommel being the gentleman for me by letting me borrow his jacket in the cold, or that fact that my good night to James was curt and abrupt.
That could be the most obvious explanatory reason. Want more? Okay, maybe I don't reciprocate because I'm celibate. You see, after having a terrifying account of sex without love (or consent for that matter), I religiously live by the fact that it is best done in the context of love. So it could just be that I swear off men as a vow (for now at least).
Okay, now this reason is ludicrous. Am I a lesbian? It's hard for me to judge it based on whatever gender I've held carnal desires towards because I supress my 'carnal desires' in the first place. I can't question it quite yet.
At the dance, I had a feeling Mikey would be there. Mikey is my filipino eye candy whom I'd prefer to admire from afar. He had his hair bleached while rushing for Zeta Phi Rho which can also explain why he hasn't been in the dorms much. One day, I'd like to sing a Disney duet with him. If I ever obsess any more, then maybe I'll have more delusional hopes, but none for now.
Of course, what is my life with the pursuit of an instrumentalist? I'll write about it until you, the reader, can figure it out for yourself, or until I'm absolutely crazy.
I keep secret crushes...now is no exception.

The black leather wallet's ultimate recipient

I was going to write yesterday, but boredom kept me from being productive. Finishing Physics homework was already an achievement in itself. But anyways, yesterday's post could've been titled "Morning, Sunshine" after I get an IM from somebody, I won't mention who. It was those same exact words, and I guess he was under some influence, I dunno. I don't respond very well to attention, or at least I'm rusty.
So...last night I had a crazy energy level. Maybe my body knew it was Thursday, the universal party night, or the simple fact that I've ingested way too much caffeine yesterday from Chips Ahoy cookies and that cup of mocha coffee from Kerckhoff. As a result, I was uber-bored. I had a lot of fun talking to my floormates in the hallway, and out of the blue, I just mention this black leather trifold wallet that's always been in my dorm since the beginning of fall quarter. To show I didn't lie, I brought it out and the winner was *drumroll*...my next-door neighbor Hai! Funny how Hai ended up being the ultimate recipient of the wallet. Last quarter, the wallet had been intended for Ken, and he'd pick it up whenever he visited my dorm. He only visited once, and I wasn't even in the dorms, I was at home. And this was when I stopped talking to him. But few weeks at UCLA and I decided it'll go to someone else, not someone I like or whatever. I remember Jess told me that if I didn't care about who to give it to, then just give it to Hai. Months later, that's exactly what happened. All this time I kinda worried about who'd randomly want a black leather trifold wallet, and now I'm surprised at how quickly it just left my room and into the hands of someone who was actually content instead of weirded out about the wallet. There's really not much to think about it, there's no underlying story behind it (at least not anymore) but I wish I could've given it away as a Christmas gift.