Which is worse?

Would you rather:
have your heart broken

or

your ego hurt?

It's finally come to me, what has made this past year so difficult. The emotions that made me dread being dumped ever again. After almost a year of searching for truth and closure (read the December entries), I realized that I couldn't get over the whole matter because my ego was hurt. I was over the heartbroken deal, and I don't really get heartbroken to begin with. So it's not him. He's not everything. There, done. But remind me of how stupid something is, then I will have a hard time getting over it. It's very difficult for me to like myself, even love myself once I feel like I'm stupid. I can't live with stupid. So what if so many other guys are interested, I wouldn't like me at the moment. Long story short, the ego crush is debilitating for me.

Recap and physicality

So I asked a social worker how to gauge if I'm over it. By the end of the talk, after starting with the words, "I was seventeen," I realized that I'm over the assault itself, but the effects of the assault will still take time, maybe even a lifetime. What happened was that the assault just made all of the work previously cut out for me raised onto such higher stakes. My quest for being understood and loved by others seems even more distant when it's my experience that makes me feel more different; as if my brain made me alienated enough. My misandry is just up in the air now. I don't talk about the assault itself, but I do talk about how badly I feel it has fucked up parts of my life. There's a difference. The only way I can get used to triggers of that event in my life is to recognize patterns...just like recognizing warning signs of depression all over again.

Oh, and one thing. I know a rapist at UCLA. He could very well become one if he doesn't know his limits. Sure, he can want sex all the time, but it's a goddamn two way street. It also doesn't pay to be manipulative either. I should've sent him to the slammer when I had the chance.

On the separate end of the spectrum, how does a girl know when to get physical before it screws things up? Should she just let it happen, and just hope and pray that she doesn't get attached and acts differently as a result, or purposely wait it out until she really can't think straight anymore? Truth of the matter is, it's such a rookie mistake to have it go so fast, because a girl can't really control how attached she gets, no matter how much she tells herself not to get attached beforehand (at least that's what happened to me). The morning after, does she like him and can't stop thinking about him? Duh, she slept with him. Can't always use something surefire like that for a guy. What happens afterward is that she starts thinking like a girlfriend even though it's not true. The path is truly dichotomous for a girl when she ventures to the land of the opposite sex. She can wholeheartedly believe in love and everything else that falls into place, or just sleep around and not give a care about any future with any guy. I seriously consider the thought of being a slut, and weigh it against that blissful monogamy down the road, but I can't beat myself up for sleeping with a guy too early. Then again, I sometimes forget: guys are total idiots too.

I thought I had moved on

I don't count, but it's almost been three years since I've been assaulted. So how should I be feeling? Should I think, "give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack and be patient, it's only been 3 years" or "this should well be behind you because it's been 3 years?"

Well, people have been noting that I was looking depressed last night at the PTSP Welcome Reception. To make up a half-truth, I said that I had a SPEAR session today, even though most SPEAR sessions leave me feeling like I know what to do (in other words, empowered). But it's true. I have a new SPEAR counselor, and thus I felt I had to tell her a semi-secret of mine.

I'm sure a lot of people know that I've been sexually assaulted before. But how many know the details? So I spilled the details, and it took a lot out of me. I'm surprised that I was almost to the brink of tears talking about how I know I'm prone to screwing up my closest friendships all because of the emotional distance I create in my head. That and I added how last year did quite a number on me.

So I'm left wondering how I will be handling that one event for the rest of my life. Will I cry some more, or will I eventually forget?

Afraid to lose my loneliness

At first I found it ridiculous that Father Rolheiser wrote about cultivating loneliness, but after watching an episode of House and thinking about my own loneliness, I realized that it had become a part of me. I am afraid that I'll become a completely different person should I decide to share my life, my whole self. It's obvious how romance changes people, makes them so happy. Of course I want happiness like most other people, but happiness also comes from knowing thyself and being able to reach out to others.

Maybe my fear is justified, maybe it isn't. But I can always come back to it.