Freaky as hell phone call

Just a few minutes ago I ended up talking for 21 minutes with a complete stranger. My phone rings, and it's this weird unknown number in the 626 area code. He asks me to meet just for a minute or so in a public place. And I said, "maybe this is a wrong number." We don't hang up. At least he doesn't. He said he won't hang up because I've got a beautiful voice to him. uhuh, yeah, that's real flattering. He asks if I'm black, or spanish. And he's saying he can guess what I look like, like being around 5', medium complexion, dark hair, around 100-110 lbs. all this from someone who doesn't know me at all. Oh, and get this, he guesses that I have some kind of mark on my hand or arm. Does the scar on my left hand count? Does to him. He guessed wrong about me having any tattoos or bellybutton piercings, the quality of my hair and also about my shoe size and my cell phone #. Asks me if I think I'm pretty, all other opinions aside. I'm shy, and say that I don't think I am. He says I sound bashful and smart too (notices the big words). More of that needless flirting, kinda scares/sickens me. "I think you're real pretty" blah blah blah. I've been told never to take anything like that seriously. He urges meeting me several times repeatedly and that me saying no is mean. Honestly, I'm pretty freaked out myself. Of course I say no. Well, that's the end of it, I don't want to dive headfirst into any potential trouble, knowing what happened back in April.
Yet all this time I didn't hang up. He said that it's because I'm remotely interested. More like I'm aware that he sounds interested. Maybe I was just trying to be nice. Who knows, that was really random and kinda scary if you think about it.

Just how well does being suplada work?

How it works: Girl plays hard to get, and in some instances, that just makes her all the more desirable. Guy tries harder, she is relentless. Either guy's heart breaks and girl just moves on with her life, or guy gets over it and girl gets jealous. Otherwise, the girl gives up and says yes at some point. Somehow, someway it works.

Suplada is so easy for me to be. Then again, it's most likely a filipino girl thing. Observe this excerpt from Culture Shock! Philippines: "The young lady is supposed to play 'hard to get'; she should not show too great an interest in a man, some even going to the point of pretending total disinterest. How hard a time she gives her suitor increases her worth in his and in others' eyes." That's kinda me. But the thing is, girls have feelings too. After playing hard to get for so long, saying yes seems too humiliating. My thing is, I like someone who isn't intimidated by me.

One of my main points of being suplada is this byproduct called "not taking compliments very well." Honestly, how would you react to it? "Hehe, I know" or "okay...thanks." Am I supposed to blush? Say I'm flattered? Geez, I don't want to appear self-absorbed.

What is the most appealing preference, the open, amiable girl, or the hard to get one? Exactly how many guys like a challenge? One thing's for sure, the challenge is intense. And selectivity's not such a bad thing. It's just that sooner or later I'll be tired of waiting.

Second night in a row...

I liked the Wind Ensemble performance...it was intense. Afterwards, Max had other guy friends attend for him too, and so did his parents. He really looks like his dad. The most ironic thing that happened was that when Max introduced me to one of his friends, his friend immediately was flirting with me, throwing those silly compliments. You can guess which one. I didn't feel like laughing with all of them, since I was on my rag, in uncomfortably tight pants (just feels tight due to water retention), and feeling fat. I walked back to the dorms alone this time, since Max went back to practice. Yeah, he's got his own commitments. That's fine, my feelings or state of well-being does not depend on him. It all depends on me. He considers me a friend. And yet I feel tempted to serenade him sometime. I swear, the Rodgers & Hammerstein motif. I can just picture it, breaking into song although I don't know what about. I'll stop rambling, since this terse entry says enough.

Things happen when you least expect it

That's what I learned today when I had dinner in De Neve. I waved hi to Alan, and all of a sudden Max is behind him and I sit and have dinner with him. We talk, have awkward eating habits (things that are seemingly gross or unmannered) and for some reason I'm not shivering. I had no time to be nervous about this, so I wasn't. It's weird how he asked further about the science things I mentioned, like my interest in internal combustion of cars or the new different methods of fuel-efficiency. Is he that interested or he just wants me to keep on talking so he won't have to? He got up to get a slice of pizza, and I got a glass of what I thought was iced tea. Instead, he ended up with another plate of curry over rice and I got a glass of water. After he finishes I go up to my dorm, put on sandals for the recital and walk with him over to Schoenberg, but before that, he was talking to three other girls who happen to be fourth-years, and the Royce bell tolls 8. We're late. Told him that the tolling of bells whenever I'm in a rush reminds me of Cinderella. Is that whom I feel like around him? Across Pauley I catch Vivian, who didn't notice me until later, hehe. He catches another friend from Schoenberg and tell him about this recital we're both headed to, and we watch Margulis's recital. Stunning. But Max just had too many friends to stop and talk to for me to really think anything of it. I walked back to Dykstra with Devin because Max still had to practice. Somehow I feel like he's just as excited to see me as I am about him. But feelings are another story...a somewhat nonexistent one for the moment. Maybe I shouldn't worry about it and see what happens. Besides, he asked me command-ish, if I was going to attend the Wind Ensemble performance. Of course I am.

True or False? I am drawn to Cathedral guys

Well, am I? I heard Cathedral High published their yearbooks way too late, with glaring errors the first time around. I had breakfast with James yesterday morning (part of the reason I ditched Math) along with Rhommel. I asked if he could bring his yearbook, and he said he'll get it for me as soon as possible. So I did tell him my connection with Cathedral guys, and surprisingly, he's kept track of all the ones I've mentioned. I told him how most of my friends are ashamed and pissed about Chuck. Now he knows about Ken. He's like, "start going for college guys, Cathedral guys stuck in that school are no good."
"Strangely, I find myself drawn to them, no matter where I go."
"Heh, I'm a Cathedral guy."
"But I like saying I'm single more than anything else."
Nice going Dawn.

Sunday, Sweet Sunday

That's just a number out of Flower Drum Song, and doesn't necessarily describe how my Sunday went. I found out why Ken messaged me. He was UCLA around 1am Sunday. I don't feel like I've missed anything by going home and missing the opportunity of having him meet me in my dorm. Still don't feel like giving the wallet to him either. And I feel stupid for messaging him. Even an ounce of curiosity makes me feel ashamed. But I'll forget, I always do.

So Nica helps me with my stuff when I go back to the dorm, and when I was about to go up to the De Neve elevator, I see James and he sees me, and randomly asks me to the beach. I'm already booked with Tinig and he jokingly says, "cancel that" and other 'small talk' and that was enough to convince Nica how interested he seemed. He'll just ask me to go with him wherever, and I'll say I can't. I always figured that it'll happen enough times for it to be considered a joke, and that neither of us won't be nervous because it'll be nothing more serious than a joke between us. I don't know what to think of James though. I just don't want him to fall really hard, if it ever gets to that.

Waking up is like coming out of a daze

Because I had no idea what my mom was a little upset at me about upon waking up. Then I found out...the light on my phone indicates red even though I've charged my phone all night. Somebody messaged me. Of course, my mom pries into my phone and looks, and the sender surprised mom and me both. It's from Ken. Of course, I'm already asleep, and I didn't get to finish my Tess Gerritsen novel, so I couldn't return his message, and I don't intend to. I'm not the night owl he once saw me as. Mom naturally tells me, "don't talk to him and or message him back. It costs money to use messaging."
"Don't worry mom, I don't like him."
End of story. But who knows, who is that girl I see being written about in his blog?

"Sure I'd write to her, and maybe she'd write to me. Then what? It was hopless, i've never felt pain like this before in my entire life. It felt....wonderful."

It is getting difficult to meet

But what is really sad is that it isn't because I'm forbidden to meet up with him. He's always busy, and I really do start to wonder if he ever was interested. Phone calls are never substantial, and he's usually in Schoenberg for the whole day (and night if you count voluntary practice). For me, the feeling dies. I don't feel so "be still my heart" nor do I feel that nervousness upon calling him. It seems more like an indifference to me, like I should stop caring. Already I worry if I seem too clingy. We have our own crunch times, our own schedules, our own set of demands. "Somehow we'll try to find a way to make this work out." So far it hasn't, and there appears to be no effort in attempting any further. Should I just give it up while I can to avoid getting hurt?

Negative feelings are feelings nonetheless

So last night I was talking to Robert, and he brought up a somewhat interesting point. I was feeling a little sad, feeling a little less because I practiced with Joseph at Sproul. If you've read my real blog, you'd know. But to be on the safe side, I felt less because he can improvise and is seemingly more technically ahead of me with the piano, which he considers to be his secondary instrument. And I told Robert about that, about why I feel less and out of it. All of sudden in that middle of it, Rob asks me, "You don't like him, do you?"
I'm like, "what? what kind of like?"
"I'm talking about the whooo kind of like-"
"Oh, no. Why do you ask?"
"It's just that usually when people start liking someone, they sometimes start comparing themselves to them."

I think nothing of it. I'm certain I don't like him like that, but I'm afraid that the more I try to justify it, the more it loses credibility.

My Karmic Report

Read this: North Node of the Moon in Aries
You tend always to be in a relationship, or if you're single for a period of time, you are quite conscious of that fact and spend a significant amount of time looking for and wishing you could find a mate. You do not like to be alone; you prefer to spend time with people -- and yet you can grow irritated easily when you feel overwhelmed by the attentions of a lover. You may notice a pattern in your romantic relationships in which you keep getting involved with lovers who push you to make decisions, even though doing so can make you quite uncomfortable. You like things to be harmonious and easy and you tend to avoid conflict. If you notice a pattern of getting into relationships that are characterized in some way by conflict, relationships that have seemed more difficult than they should have been, it may be that you need to examine your own fears to find the source of your attraction to such influences. It is likely that in a prior life, you were submissive in your relationships and allowed your mate to make all the important decisions -- perhaps with disastrous effects, at least to your sense of self. You were able to attract lovers simply by being your charming, attractive self -- and so you neglected your other attributes, such as kindness and intelligence, which last long after beauty fades.

I wholly agree with the part about my internal conflict. I want to be close, but I need to be free. But maybe for now I can be happy by saying that I'm single by choice.

Ken you spare me?

Back in April I was supremely depressed. For the ones I needed the most, they deliberately avoided me and that was what led me down into an emotional tailspin. In the meantime, Nica and Chabby slept over at my house during spring break and Chabby decided to set me up with her friend Ken. I end up talking to him on the phone until 1 or 3 in the morning for a few days (or shall I say nights?) straight. It just seemed like it'd go somewhere. I get teased that I'm not single, but I always say I am single. It's become impossible to meet him, and I'd stake my hopes on surreptitious side meetings. The first time I actually do meet him was at my Baccalaureate mass, and it was awkward, what with my cousin there. She doesn't tell us her intention for taking a weird detour at my Baccalaureate mass. Then again, when does she ever? She warned me he wasn't much of a looker. Unfortunately, my standards include mandatory good looks :p Since then, I call, but he prefers the impersonalness of instant messaging. He tells me that he hoped to meet me, and during summer vacation I hoped to find some way to meet too. I attempt to go to a movie, but I felt my mom had to know where I was going, just in case I am not in the house when she comes home. Then our cover was blown. My cousin claimed nothing to do with with what exactly happened. But she did set me up with him. After that I was on my rag and I didn't feel like seeing him even though he has been Chabby's chaffeur all through her birthday week, which meant I was gonna see him quite often while I exiled myself to Kristine's house for the week. The skin rashes on his arms (perhaps from the family cat) reminded me of how much I'm not attracted to him. I also noticed he's been more and more inattentive online. At the same time my mom tells me that he's nothing. He's Carmela's friend of all people, and doesn't seem to have much in stock compared to me, according to my mom. Of course she'd like for me to find someone I actually really do like for once, not because I gave set ups a chance or I got immediately captivated by looks, but because there's someone out there who is definitely worth it. As of now, I don't intend on messaging Ken anymore, nor do I feel like giving him the black leather trifold wallet that he's been needing for quite a while already. Besides, I think he likes someone else, which makes perfect sense to me.
Bottom line: am I once again too good for such guys?