Monogamy
How important is it to know where you stand on monogamy? Should one be quick to trust when another says, "I'm a long-term type of person?" And what about the ethics of open relationships?
Monogamy is just as confusing as trying to find out your sexual orientation; lately, I've been 'confused' for years at a time, even though I could've sworn I was meant for the long-term. If there's asexual, there's noncommital. If there's bisexual, there's serial monogamy. I wouldn't fill in the rest for the sake of political correctness. It's not that I don't know, it's that I'm never sure if I'm meant for one guy or one too many.
To answer my previous question, it's damn important to know whether you're monogamous or not. Your very happiness hinges on it. Nothing is more painful than realizing that the other person wanted something completely different from what you wanted; even accidentally wanting something else doesn't make it any less painful (more understandable, but no less painful). Which means, you get extra credit for finding out what the other person is really about too. It really pays to be smart about things here, and to not take a guy's words at face value. Women lie too, saying that they're not looking for something long-term just to sound cool and independent. And if a man says he's monogamous, but dreads the thought of marriage, then he doesn't break hearts (rather, he carves them out with a serrated knife in the form of his own fun). What I'm really saying here is that you as a person need to know what you honestly believe about monogamy, and know what the other person believes (not necessarily says) about it too.
So to get to the actual workings and benefits of monogamy, it's like insurance and security. Sure it's a label, but it's also an emotional and mental allowance to be able to let yourself go. I hesistate to say that that it's allowance to let go of some responsibility because it's really a shift in the kind of responsibility you now take: your partner's feelings. Taking care of another person is very different from taking care of yourself. There's nothing like feeling like someone else has got your back, and you can totally be yourself and still be looked after. It takes a lot of trust and communication to clarify that kind of situation, and that is why monogamy can be a big deal. It draws out the new rules for mutual happiness.
Monogamy is just as confusing as trying to find out your sexual orientation; lately, I've been 'confused' for years at a time, even though I could've sworn I was meant for the long-term. If there's asexual, there's noncommital. If there's bisexual, there's serial monogamy. I wouldn't fill in the rest for the sake of political correctness. It's not that I don't know, it's that I'm never sure if I'm meant for one guy or one too many.
To answer my previous question, it's damn important to know whether you're monogamous or not. Your very happiness hinges on it. Nothing is more painful than realizing that the other person wanted something completely different from what you wanted; even accidentally wanting something else doesn't make it any less painful (more understandable, but no less painful). Which means, you get extra credit for finding out what the other person is really about too. It really pays to be smart about things here, and to not take a guy's words at face value. Women lie too, saying that they're not looking for something long-term just to sound cool and independent. And if a man says he's monogamous, but dreads the thought of marriage, then he doesn't break hearts (rather, he carves them out with a serrated knife in the form of his own fun). What I'm really saying here is that you as a person need to know what you honestly believe about monogamy, and know what the other person believes (not necessarily says) about it too.
So to get to the actual workings and benefits of monogamy, it's like insurance and security. Sure it's a label, but it's also an emotional and mental allowance to be able to let yourself go. I hesistate to say that that it's allowance to let go of some responsibility because it's really a shift in the kind of responsibility you now take: your partner's feelings. Taking care of another person is very different from taking care of yourself. There's nothing like feeling like someone else has got your back, and you can totally be yourself and still be looked after. It takes a lot of trust and communication to clarify that kind of situation, and that is why monogamy can be a big deal. It draws out the new rules for mutual happiness.
Labels: Advice column
posted by Dawn at 10:35 AM
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