I don't believe in marriage...so how about making this official?
When you date, you meet all sorts of interesting people. I dated a guy who, in the span of one date, managed to say the stuff in the title. Needless to say, I knew that he was going to make me very unhappy in the future, if not now.
One standard that I have kept for myself is that if I date someone who treats weddings like funerals, immediately a switch turns on in my head that tries to come up with the best way to break up with the person. It only makes sense that commitment ought to grow in a relationship, and attachment anchors it; if there's no desire to commit and no emotional availability, then the inevitable problem of being attached to the wrong person will loom over. Personally, I'd like to think that I have a future with the guy I'm with, even if the future is just another date or another promise to meet, a phone call, or a ring. If the thought of marriage (no matter how ridiculously early it is) never crossed my mind with the guy, then he's either not right for me to marry or just not right at all. It can work the opposite way: if somebody is emotionally unavailable or unwilling to commit in the form of marriage, chances are it's because it's not the right partner or because he or she is really messed up.
"We'll have no future together, it'll be great." Yeah, right.
I don't mean to come down hard on noncommitals who date, but if they get close and then pull away, it's out of fear or total malice. Those who are scared should've spent more time mustering enough courage before ever venturing out into the world of dating and all its ugliness.
I mean, it's great to get this out in the open, if someone's just dating for fun and games, and not looking for a good person to marry. Thing is, they're only good for the short-term, and those dating for the long-term should make it a point to keep it short with these people. It's for their own damn good. Nothing's more insulting than someone who speaks in contradictions...it makes everybody else associated with them seem just as hypocritical and stupid. So please, please know what you want in a relationship (if long-term or just dating around) and find someone else that matches that.
One standard that I have kept for myself is that if I date someone who treats weddings like funerals, immediately a switch turns on in my head that tries to come up with the best way to break up with the person. It only makes sense that commitment ought to grow in a relationship, and attachment anchors it; if there's no desire to commit and no emotional availability, then the inevitable problem of being attached to the wrong person will loom over. Personally, I'd like to think that I have a future with the guy I'm with, even if the future is just another date or another promise to meet, a phone call, or a ring. If the thought of marriage (no matter how ridiculously early it is) never crossed my mind with the guy, then he's either not right for me to marry or just not right at all. It can work the opposite way: if somebody is emotionally unavailable or unwilling to commit in the form of marriage, chances are it's because it's not the right partner or because he or she is really messed up.
"We'll have no future together, it'll be great." Yeah, right.
I don't mean to come down hard on noncommitals who date, but if they get close and then pull away, it's out of fear or total malice. Those who are scared should've spent more time mustering enough courage before ever venturing out into the world of dating and all its ugliness.
I mean, it's great to get this out in the open, if someone's just dating for fun and games, and not looking for a good person to marry. Thing is, they're only good for the short-term, and those dating for the long-term should make it a point to keep it short with these people. It's for their own damn good. Nothing's more insulting than someone who speaks in contradictions...it makes everybody else associated with them seem just as hypocritical and stupid. So please, please know what you want in a relationship (if long-term or just dating around) and find someone else that matches that.
Labels: Advice column
posted by Dawn at 4:13 PM
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