Young Adult stereotypes

The more I thought about how old I'm going to be (I'm turning 20 soon), the more I realized how likely it is to be the 19 or 20-year-old co-worker the boss might even remotely fantasize about. And it's surprising how often it actually happens. There's someone in my family, I won't tell who, who ended up marrying his young secretary. And c'mon, The Nanny was such a famous sitcom for a reason!

Rules are myriad and ridiculous when it comes to getting involved with others. Don't date co-workers, don't date fellow leadership members, and for goodness' sakes, don't destroy your integrity by sleeping with the boss. While those rules are understandable and based upon the horrible consequences that resulted without such discretion, how do such stories happen as if those warnings were never heeded in the first place?

The power play is one of the most important factors that makes such a tryst so forbidden, dangerous and yet so attractive. The boss has money, control, and basically has it all, including the power to convince a colleague that they're worth it and desirable. To the one that works under the boss, this could be the closest they can get to accessing power, especially if they can grab it by the heart or loins.

Deja Vu and bad timing

How does one know if they're making the same mistakes of their last tryst? And what kinds of actions or lack thereof constitute a lack of interest?

I don't know what to believe, but people tend to pull out of a budding whatever if it reminds them too much of their most recent failed relationship/tryst. I hate to admit that I'm feeling that way too. Can I really be sure of myself that I learned my lesson and am making the right choices, easily navigating myself through life?

I'm afraid of getting too attached, and mistaking my enthusiasm as a response to something horrible going on in my life. I really would like to believe that I know what I'm getting into, and that my actions reflect someone who isn't exactly looking for the man to spend the rest of her life with yet. This is something I feel I can't afford to just allow to happen, because if I want to get out unscathed, I must be conscientious of what I want.

Okay, done with my worries. So I got used to this zero tolerance policy for detecting another's lack of interest in me, and I'm wondering just how harsh it is. If I had such standards placed on me, I'd probably crack. Imagine: she's just not that into you if she's not calling you. True, girls are definitely bolder when they're in love, but if they don't have their cell with them (which is exactly what happened to me), then guilt looms. Imagine again: she's just not that into you if she's not asking you out. Personally, when did it ever bloom into a decent relationship when the girls did the asking out? Even if he says yes, he would eventually most likely add the "but I just got out of a relationship" or "but I might still want my ex back" or "but I just really want to find myself." That's probably why he's not asking anybody out. And that's why I don't ask anybody out either. Is he just not that into me? Perhaps. Doesn't mean he's not into me at all, or vice versa.

Please, I beg the cosmos that somehow this guy I speak of will understand that I do want a tryst with him, and that I will not say no.

Crush radar

Let me start off by saying that life would be so much easier if there wasn't such thing as attraction. However, life would be much more boring.

Okay, so two years in college helped me realize what would really happen if I were to be put in a normal environment with males around. Apparently there really is something about me, and I can sniff it. Is it because of how hard they fall or how intuitive I am?

Don't give up the dream

I'm not going to let one instance of disappointment keep me down forever. I made the decision to burn a bridge, and I should move on and be happy with it. This doesn't mean I can't ever create connections with other people. I longed for deep relationships with other people, and by that I should be very happy with what I have. At this point, I don't care about having a million acquaintances, and I don't want to be just another acquaintance to certain people.

Besides, now I can notice the guy watching me sing, or the guy that says hi to me after mass. It's like the way it was before, when I can still be beautiful, extremely intelligent yet single and not looking. Most of all, I can just enjoy the conversations. I don't have to pine for them, and that's perfectly fine by me.

When parents love him too

I notice a pattern every spring quarter ever since I attended college: my parents start acting funny around a certain guy. It gets quite obvious that they'd really like it if I were to go out with 'so-and-so.' And then mom starts to act like a best friend, asking how things are going with a certain friend of mine. Dad starts suggesting things like, "we should invite him and his whole family for dinner sometime." It's like my whole family wants to get to know him too.

Although quite rare, I've heard of stories where the parents really like their daughter's boyfriend so much that they get very depressed after a breakup, sometimes even more so than the girl herself. It's quite humorous actually. After that, I'm not sure the parents will want know so much about their child's personal life.

I'm sure my parents are like that. They just want the best for me. It isn't always what I want though.

Can fate act at parties?

Wild parties are like online dating sites to me: They don't rate so high on my credibility meter when it comes to finding someone whom I could actually strike a connection with. I mean, how credible is interest when most of the people are under the influence?

I have my share of meeting random guys that want to see me again, and then I'm faced with the dilemma on whether or not to indulge my inner attention whore with the obvious risk of attachment. Is it even really worth a try?

Don't forget the strange behavior that can happen with people you know at parties. It's like that episode of Sex and the City when Samantha was high on X and had sex with Richard, yelling "I love you." It kinda bothered her, and yet Richard didn't take it seriously, since she was high. What happens when people who were under the influence do something intimate, only to question it in the future? Dra-ma.

But who knows, maybe there are some exceptional stories out there of people who have met at a party and have been together up to this day. That's just what those stories are: exceptional, not the rule.

Secrets

People usually have a hard time keeping them. It gives otherwise everyday information a special label, turning it into a Pandora's box.

What is it about secret crushes that make it so difficult to keep?
I've had my share of forcing crushes...I call them pseudo-crushes, great guys that I'd like, but not like that. It doesn't have that genuine feel to it, like when I'd blush bad enough for it to show through my skin (which is quite a lot). And sometimes I'm content with just keeping it to myself. So what if it doesn't become a reality? At this point in my life, I'd rather wait right now.

I've been putting off this topic for such a long time that it's no longer secret. One person knows (you know who you are, you better keep it well!) I wasn't even sure of what I was feeling, until I started dissecting all those times when he could've talked to anybody else, but he talked to me. Knowing more and more about him is full of surprises, and some of them seem to be cosmically arranged. I really don't want to force it. He's grown to be somewhat of a confidante over a year, but it just happens so easily, not at a blinding and dazing speed. Feeling this way actually feels right; so right that I'm wondering what will be wrong.

I'm afraid. For all I know, Pandora's box will turn into a can of worms.

"I like you too"

What happens once two people have just told each other that they like each other? Do they date, start a relationship, go from there?

It's awkward. It's like the first kiss, where both parties don't know each other's style, but will eventually get used to each other and be able to adjust accordingly. We've got our ways of expressing our interest to each other, and yet silence still seems to punctuate it. Something's there and we both know it. It's almost agonizing that we're not spending time together out any sooner.

It's been a while since I've experienced intense mutual attraction. It's exhilarating, and my head is reeling from the possibilities. I anticipate the sparks in the physical affection, the feeling of liking, admiring, respecting and getting the same thing in return. Just for this moment I proudly toss away using the statement, "I'm single." No more doubts like the past ones, I really look forward to a relationship, because he is it. Someone I see to as analytical, a good listener, wise, cool and calm on the surface but feels deeply, and cute too. No more "wanting out from the very beginning," because there's the security of him seeing me as wonderful, just as how I see him too.
I have a feeling this state of being in the air won't last forever, this being consumed by thoughts of him, this rush of joy. Maybe that's not such a bad thing, since I still have a life of my own to get back to. Still, it's not like I should take my breathless anticipation for granted. Being in love with love is a happy feeling, but there's a reason why it's temporary.

We couldn't be happier,
Right, dear?
Couldn't be happier, right here
Look what we've got, a fairy-tale plot
Our very own happy ending
Where we couldn't be happier
True, dear?
Couldn't be happier
And we're happy to share
Our ending vicariously
With all of you
He couldn't look handsomer,
I couldn't feel humbler,
We couldn't be happier
Because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true!

It's just so crazy it might work

Do you ever suddenly feel a different vibe with someone you've been around quite a bit before?
I do. I work with him. I wasn't surprised that as PCN drew on, we recognized each other. But I just didn't feel that different vibe. I don't know how to describe it. It's not necessarily a desire to want to be more than friends, but just some new level of some kind of intimacy (cast aside the connotation of that term). The way I feel around this person is more invitingly personal. That as cryptic as he may appear to be, I'm just like him. Just as conscientious about some things, perhaps even as exact as always waiting around for the perfect receptacle on which to dispose our finished plastic or glass bottles. Maybe the fact that he has come off as cryptic is what makes this new feeling all the more noticeable. It might be that feeling of looking in the mirror for the first time in a while.
Now I know that what many would like to happen if they were reading this like a story or watching it from the sidelines most likely hasn't and will not happen. But out of my own desire to write a feeling like this down, I will take it and run away with it like any fiction writer would. Which gives me the basis for the title. I imagine, that if people thought it would be fun to set up two people they know with each other, it could be a potential huge mess. But at the same time, "it's so crazy it just might work." I miss comedy stories like that, where their friends give them an extra push to approach someone or just the push alone suddenly makes a person look at someone they've never really thought too much about in a romantic light.
Do I want this closeness? Will this be the only time I notice something like this? Can I afford to ignore it?

Chemistry is a tough subject

...even when it comes to matters of love and attraction.

I love it when I hit it off very well with a guy I just met, and it wasn't because we've been drinking or anything. For all I know, situations that fall into that aformentioned description, aka instant chemistry, is a peculiar thing to deal with. Chemistry is subject to lightning-fast affairs and unpredictable days after. At least that's what I learned this week.

So my cousin had a debut. I met a family friend, and he's about the one person that I talked a whole lot to for most of the night. Long conversations to me already spell out "you're wonderful." Some of the things that I do wish happened are too embarrassing to put here, and maybe it's bothering the guy that we have no direct means of contact/communication, even though it's so easy to just ask someone we both know for each others' cell # or sn. Okay, is it too fast to regret there not being a goodnight kiss? I'm mixed on that, because if it did happen, what next after that? Which leads me to the next thought: what's the next time we meet gonna be like? Will it be awkward, will this residual chemistry (that makes at least one party ceaselessly obsess) carry through, and will it work out?

I just don't trust chemistry enough to reap the benefits of it granting a short-lived rush of joy. They're like one night stands in a way, leaving those with morals and a conscience to feel cheap and tawdry afterwards. Just like the physical science, the nature of the bonds in chemistry, their formation and their breaks, are multi-faceted and require some studying in order to do well in it. Right now I just hate studying it, even though I feel like I want to just to quell this aching curiosity of what might have happened and what can happen.

Go ahead, touch it.

I feel tempted to stick my hand in the proverbial fire, in hopes that maybe I can find something out without necessarily getting burned. Last time with one particular person, hell rose. I was still a sophomore in high school, and here was this man, so eerily similar to my current boyfriend at that time, and kept talking to him, which can also be seen as leading him on. Thing is, he was two years older, lived in a dorm already, and went out drinking quite a bit. It's like he deliberately talked to me while inebriated. And you know exactly which inhibitions disappear with alcohol. I dismissed him, even though it was a good while after I'd broken up with the hot actor of a boyfriend because he was going to attend college in NYC. I could swear he was getting obssessed, and like the borracho he was, he yelled his denial...repeatedly. I'd had it, him talking about sex and the inhospitable behavior, time after time. He cracks one day, says his feelings were all a lie and that I was a fool and so terribly self-absorbed to believe it. He ended that with something along the lines of 'good fuckin luck.' Felt like crap, but I was glad it was over.

Then a long while after, like when I was considering what college I was going to attend, he'd pop up and talk again. He still acknowledged the past that he was so embarrassed and hadn't logged onto that screen name for a long time. Shocked I was at the very least, but I must admit, he was an interesting person to talk to if you take away other horrible influences.

Today he was online again. I felt so tempted to message him, much like feeling tempted to touch the fire. I know what it's like to be in the line of fire when it is fueled by alcohol, but I'm curious. There's so much more, like how 17 was the worst year of my life, just like his was (I should know). But I still ask myself why I keep on doing this.

Shameless Summer flirting

I remember this one line out of a book (by Albert Camus, of all people) that revealing one's intentions too early is a universal deal-breaker. My question is, does flirting fit under that?

Sure, it's light, that I know, but such comments are a bit off-setting too. And I can't help but get so nervous or internally crazy just thinking of what I was about to say or already said. Like what happened yesterday:

Guy: I'm back
Me: (commenting on previous words) You've got an unusual amount of energy for this hour
Guy: yeah well, at least on AIM we can just type watever we feel like
Me: Are you human right now? You just ran a mile.
Guy: I'm Superman!
Me: Does that make me Lois Lane?

I could just smack myself on the head.

Te Adoro, Anton...

It's weird how stories intersect in one way or another. Two of my friends hooked up, they said they met over PCN, and every time I've seen them they were always joined at the hip. Plus my couples aversion kicked in...it was kinda making me sick, and that was a gut feeling I couldn't ignore. They are so gonna hook up, and it was only a matter of when.

So I go to PCH's health panel and meet a Bio major. Maybe I've met him before, but didn't talk. First time we ever talked, and it was substantial by my book. Who knew it would be about what I just wrote above? He was left out of the dust on that story. How we started talking about the enviably pretty girl in that story, I don't remember. He talked about her like he worshipped her. Pretty and drop-dead gorgeous I understand, but intelligent? Smart yes, but intelligent I question. Maybe I should show him what I consider to be intelligent, which can also mean being a complete butthole, but hey, it's also coveted in some respects. Scratch that. I think he's pretty intelligent himself, I mean, have you seen what he gets on his LS midterms? O_O

Sometimes I don't recognize him, but he never forgets to say hi when he sees me. I love talking to him, and I mean it so much more than I can say. Except when the topic goes back to the couple mentioned above. Walking up to his dorm in Hedrick during finals week was so worth the extra words. I even expressed some of my dreams, but no immediate future hopes. Two jilted people getting close to each other doesn't sound right.

Summer does crazy things to me. It's a season that's conducive to my shameless flirting, encouraging me to entertain my wildest thoughts and dreams. So what exactly have I done so far? I said, "Te adoro, Anton" and later covered it up by saying it's a line out of West Side Story. Well, it is a line out of West Side Story. I'm no Maria though.

I picked a nice day to dress up and be pretty

I just forgot to mention it weeks after it happened. If I didn't wear makeup and a nice dress that particular day, the first day of choir class in spring quarter, then a tenor from choir class wouldn't have randomly approached me later that night at a campus eatery, asking me if I'm in chorus. Ever since then, he's waved hi to me, did favors (like hand me an implement of writing whenever I asked), and even stalked me a little on the facebook. No one devotes that kind of attention to a single individual unless they've got some kind of interest. I should know, I get that crazy too. But I don't like the idea of wearing makeup every day, so he'll just have to take me as I am.
If you haven't known already, I'm an attention whore. I may not even like the guy but I fall for his attention easily. I gotta start playing it safe.
But returning to the most recent incident, I did think he was kinda cute, but South Campus (math and science area of the campus) takes its toll on ppl with dark circles under the eyes, acne, you know, the classic symptoms of sleep deprivation. South Campus is the least libidinous area, in contrast to how many ppl commit pda's at Murphy Sculpture Garden. The probably most attractive feature of South Campusers is their immediate professional status upon receiving their degree in a physical or life science, engineering, etc. I'm not sure about this, but as of now, I think it's cute.

1st-year + 5th-year

Does it equal taboo? I'm just wondering, seeing as how it kinda was a topic of conversation a long time ago on the 9th floor of Dykstra. Okay, so something's on my mind. I told no one yet. But I'm not even sure if the Samahang Pilipino president is interested like that; maybe he's just being like the PIE president, who was trying to get first-years to join. But he singled me out after the last PCN run-thru, trying to get me to sign up for several Samahang things, saying that one of the perks is getting to work with him (hehe). He can never remember my name, but it disappoints him a lot for him to forget. Well, at least he remembers my face...I guess that counts. I did attend the meeting for the Alumni Picnic, and afterwards, we went to Ackerman, and I ended up ordering a smoothie, and when he saw my Bruincard (when I brought it out to pay), he talked about ID pictures and how mine looks pretty good. I can't help but be curious. But I will see him this Friday, I'll be sure of it.

Wow, I just realized that I develop crushes at the drop of a hat

...yeah. Is that a bad thing? Because I know they're shallow feelings and mild interests that most likely pass. Or not. I totally leave it up to chance to see if it ever changes for more or simply dissolves with time. Speaking of which, who's the new one in my sights? I won't tell. At least when I'm sure I want my heartstrings to really be tugged. According to my list of ex's, they're all around half filipino. This one's sorta like that too.

PCN couple of the year

Heaven forbid I fall into that category. But apparently it's happening. My Maria Clara partner gets lost quite easily and doesn't try as hard to really learn the steps, but I'm willing to be patient...I'll let you in on a tidbit of gossip that involves me. It was going on during a script meeting and Vionna, the Maria Clara coordinator, is in script so she knows very very well what is happening with me. So I made a bold move Monday by pulling Kendro up to the front as he arrived late and sneaked his way into the back line. Oh, and for the music component of PCN, which I'm in, Gerard paired me up with Kendro to work on a part of an act. So it's like, we'll see each other so much, that Vionna suggested that I'll end up on the list as PCN couple of the year. I'm like, "oh God." PCN couple of the year is a tiny little thing that only makes itself known in gossip. It's a list of pairs, whom others are hopeful of getting hooked up because of PCN. This is so embarrassing!
But to be honest I think Kendro and I are very platonic...comfortable with each other, but platonic. He's been to my dorm before for tea, and I've been to his dorm before, sometimes for no reason at all, just to settle in each other's dorms. Fortunately for me so far, nothing's awkward. Oh yeah, we also have Tinig together, and University Chorus. I can just imagine, if things got really ridiculous, this is how our conversation would go:
"How was your day?"
"Same as yours"
I just wish he'd try and get the steps down. Rachel told me, "it's just kinda funny how the two of you are stuck in the same situations"
I swear, someone could just write a story on it and it'd be typical of those "young adult" books.
I don't know how to look at it...but I'm imagining a facebook profile with the change in my relationship status. I'd be too embarrassed to do something next week though...
I'm sure he thinks nothing of it, unless someone like Vionna is going to hint it to him and force him to look at his Maria Clara partner in a romantic light. Dear Lord.

I refuse to fall

I just do. You can call it high standards, fear of commitment, or enjoying singlehood a whole lot. Funny how my mom has standards on whatever guy I appear to have my sights on. Like when I talked to her about Mikey. To me, he is only pleasing to the eyes, nothing more (at least to the extent that I can think of):
"There's this cute guy on my floor..."
"What is he going to do with his life?"
"Mom, he's a Chem E major"
"Oo then, get into Engineering too"

Heheh, I thought that was funny. Sometimes I really do wonder if one can choose to have feelings for anybody, or if it just happens. Of if one chooses, then it's not as good as if it just happens. It's just that no matter how many times I tell myself that I don't like somebody, it can prove more and more just how deep I can be in denial.

But now there's nowhere to hide...

since you pushed my love aside- Come on, this is not me. I don't have any feelings to feel like this, but I do. Maybe it's because the situation is similar: Guy expects something, girl just doesn't give it to him, and while the girl doesn't compromise herself, she can't help but feel regretful. And that's why yesterday I've had "Hopelessly Devoted to You" stuck in my head all day. Am I supposed to regret this? Because I really do feel as bad as Sandy did in Grease. My head tells me I did the right thing, but I still feel guilty. I think I'll ease the guilt by delivering pancit.

Be Still My Heart

My heart raced, but for the wrong guy. I'm the girl that prefers to "be called," so getting a call from a guy is a big thing for me, even if I am looking too much into it. Knowing me too well, you know whom I thought it'd be. I should've known better. I'd have to call if anything.
But onto the real situation at hand. James called to ask me about the Chem book that I have that he wants to borrow. kuripot :p So he asks how my vacation is so far, and I said I'm a bit bored. Thought about shopping and stuff, but...my dad's deadbeat Honda is parked in front of my Saturn, and now I have nowhere to go. He suggested that if I ever go to Glendale to "hit him up."
I should stop being so straitlaced and maybe even...accept some of his offers sometime.