Nothing to lose

There was one thing that really made me stop and think when reading an interview done on an AIDS activist. She said it so matter-of-factly that rape survivors sometimes become increasingly sexually active. And upon reading that, I wonder if my next-door neighbor wrecked my life forever and if I should've pressed charges, because I'm surprised at how much this has affected me. I'm a textbook case, but I don't want to subject myself to the fate that medical books sentence me to, whether it be becoming sexually repressed or promiscuous.

I desperately want to believe that it's behind me and isn't clouding my judgment to this very day. I want to learn whatever lesson there is to learn from it as quickly as I can so I can live my life unobstructed by it. And I also do want to believe that physical intimacy is everything they say it is. I mean, how can all that talk of it be true when from firsthand experience I only have a negative view of it?

Maybe that's why survivors of sexual assault become promiscuous. After their experience, they feel like they no longer have anything to lose when it comes to finding that ideal feeling with sex. So there's a tendency to keep looking for it in the wrong places, because the wrong places are where sex just appears to be so readily available. More chances to find that right feeling.

I think I just need to fall in love and find the right guy first. Or maybe not screw up any other opportunities for love that are right under my nose by this...baggage. For all we know, this is probably who I am, assaulted or not. Sometimes I wouldn't mind noncommital physical action, but I know I'll get attached. Perhaps I have a lot more to lose than I originally thought.