Tell Me

There was a time this song embodied my frustration, but now when I try to play it I crack up at the thought of trying to think of the guy who made me feel that way.

But what I ask of you readers is if you believe that there is such thing as closure. A professor of mine started off the class saying that there just isn't. It explains why you keep finding different reasons whenever you revisit and reanalyze trauma in your life. The only thing one can be certain of it what transpired and how it made them feel.

Personally, seeking for closure isn't useless, as long as it brings you somewhere new. Sometimes it's time wasted when the lesson or moral you learn is one that was presented to you before. Or maybe you're just not meant to get over it. Many live with "what could've been." And eventually it hardly bothers them.

I'll never find out why he hurt me like that. It's a fact. There are either too many possible reasons, and too little of what he really meant reaching my understanding. There are times I really wish I knew, because the only thing I could be certain of down that road is what I did to screw it all up. It's never his explanation there to straighten things out, and maybe he didn't have all the answers either. The best thing is just to move on and "let it go with your goodbye."


Tell Me sung by Joey Albert

There are nights when I can't help but cry
And I wonder why you had to leave me

Why did it have to end so soon?
When you said that you would never leave me

Tell me,
Where did I go wrong?
What did I do to make you change your mind completely?

When I thought this love would never end
But if this love's not ours to have
I'll let it go with your goodbye

Indulging in Sappiness

For someone who isn't sappy by nature, this is quite odd, unusual and quite embarrassing actually. But the song lyrics that I have stuck in my head are about the same thing, falling when your head has had you believing otherwise your whole life.

"I Can't Believe My Heart" sung by Susan Egan

I've always thought that men were slime
And every guy I've met has proved me right,
until tonight...

Just when I thought
I had it figured
that life's a game you cannot win
He comes in and changes all the rules

What I've been taught
I learned the hard way
That life and love are never just
And if you trust you're just one of the fools

And now I can't believe my heart
Is saying "don't resist him"
That I've been on my guard too long

I can't believe my heart
surrendered when I kissed him
And told me all I thought I knew
as "sad but true" is wrong

If life is worth the disappointment
I haven't seen one reason yet
Until I met the boy who smiles for free

Upon this earth, there's no one like him
he sees the girl I long to be
Making even me believe in me

And now I can't believe my heart
Has overcome my senses
to help me see that he's the prize

I can't believe my heart
says "tear down all your fences"
that everything you wanted more
is right before your eyes

I can't believe my heart
Could be so wise

Following one's heart

I've always relied on my head to get through life, and frankly, it worked for the most part. But I have one other challenge, and that is learn how to slow down and accommodate those that may not be as smart, but may offer me emotional rewards. There is a reason other people exist in our lives: to teach us fully about life.
High school already taught me that my brain alone won't make my dreams come true: it takes hard work and heart. And looking at the future taught me that there are lots of great women out there who are total catches: smart, beautiful and successful, but are so frustrated when it comes down to one thing. It takes other people to make them feel any less happier than their own personal accomplishments dictate them to feel about themselves.
Personally, rational thought is very depressing. Sure, there's a strange comfort in certainty, but most of that certainty is knowing that lots of horrible things happen every day. If I'm thinking all sorts of things like that, then my feelings will go haywire; sometimes it creates a vicious cycle. Emotions are a thing all of their own. Only others can really get to the heart of the matter.

Jason Robert Brown has a knack for composing music that captures any aspect of the heart. That's why he's one of my favorites. Plus, his music is catchy.

"And I Will Follow"

Ask me something easier
A smile, a kiss…
Look, I'll give you anything
But don't ask me this.
Don't ask for faith when there's no great supply,
Don't ask for love when I'm just now beginning to feel it
And don't know quite why.

Here come the waves - here comes the ocean -
How to decide?
What's there to risk? Why is the course unclear?
Practical fact, foolish emotion,
Terrible pride…
What's there to fear?
Take me from here!

And I will follow
Anywhere,
I will follow,
And you will lead me there.

I should resist,
I should refuse you.
Ask me again!
See how I’m strong?
See how I keep my vow?
Maybe I’ll trip –
Maybe I’ll lose you!
What happens then?
What happens now!
Just show me how…

And I will follow
Anywhere,
I will follow,
And you will lead me there.

Oh, all the voices that beg me to stand my ground -
Oh, all the voices that tell me to stay -
All representing the life that I'd planned around:
Do what's expected,
Do what's accepted,
Do what you're told to,
Until today!
'Til today…

I will follow
Anywhere,
I will follow,
And you will lead me
There…

I will follow
And you will lead me there.

I couldn't resist

I have this curious itch to interpret this Jason Robert Brown song.

"Letting You Go" by Jason Robert Brown

Sweeping up plaster
Mopping the floor
Washing the windows

Cleaning the closets
Closing the door
Filling the cracks
Out in the hall
Scraping the paint
Off of the wall
Changing the lock
Turning the key
Letting you go away from me.

Knowing it’s better
Here in my head
Doing the laundry

Washing the dishes
Making the bed

Nothing to fight
Nothing to choose
Maybe it’s good
Learning to lose
Maybe I’ll shine
Finally free
Letting you go away from me.

If I were smart,
If I were strong,
If I could just
Say I was wrong,
Say it was me -
Say I could move -
Make you believe
These things improve,
Could I forget
All of the cracks
Deep in the ground,
Under our tracks?
And if I could,
Then would you see
Or would you go away?
Would you go away...

Facing the facts
Watching the clock
Maybe you’ll change
Just down the block
And if you did,
Where would I be?
Letting you go away from me.

The bridge made me think that this is a breakup song, as well as the repetition of the 'letting you go' phrase. Perhaps the description of doing housekeeping is also metaphorical and the heavy chords played in the background gives the idea of a droning and "going through the motions" feel. The introspective lyrics are self-explanatory. What's the importance of scraping paint off of the wall, I mean, who does that often on a regular basis? The first stanza indicates that a mess has been made, and rinsing it all out is what has to be done. Then the second stanza starts the cleanup and soaping up wounds. The last set of listed chores is then going back to what is normally done every day: doing the laundry, washing the dishes, making the bed. Yup, it's a breakup song alright.

Telling someone you have feelings for them

It's so difficult, whether you want to tell them that you like them or that you don't want to talk to them for an indefinite amount of time. Yeah, that's just about it. Good night.

Longer by Caleb Kane

Everyone comes down on me
When I throw it out at the world
Coming out trapped when I'm thinking I
Don't really wanna know what's going down

Everyone comes down on my head
Everyone will go away 'til the jokes to bed
Every lie I know, every line I speak
I can't convince you

I'm moving too fast and you're non-committal
I don't need a lot but I need a little
Maybe it's better you stay
We hurt each other

And I don't know why I came here tonight
Listening to you tell me what I didn't do right
And I don't think that I can listen to this shit much longer
I don't know what I came up here to say
Say you'll never love me then I'll maybe go away
And I don't wanna leave but I can't stay much longer

Everyone comes down on me
When I struggle with my own defense
Get me think I'm on track
When I'm thinking I don't really wanna know
What I'm up against

Everyone comes down on my head
Everyone will go away 'til the jokes to bed
Every lie I know, every line I speak
I can't convince you

I'm moving too fast and you're non-committal
I don't need a lot but I need a little
Maybe it's better you stay
Or maybe you don't need another thing from me

And I don't know why I came here tonight
Listening to you tell me what I didn't do right
And I don't think that I can listen to this shit much longer
I don't know what I came up here to say
Say you'll never love me then I'll maybe go away
And I don't wanna leave but I can't stay much longer

I'm moving too fast and you're non-committal
I don't need a lot but I need a little
Maybe it's better you stay
We hurt each other

And I don't know why I came here tonight
Listening to you tell me what I didn't do right
And I don't think that I can listen to this shit much longer
I don't know what I came up here to say
Say you'll never love me then I'll maybe go away
And I don't wanna leave but I can't stay much longer

Without You

My dreams of romance are shattered. I could only utter, "oh."
But at the same time, I'm telling myself, "welcome back Dawn! I've missed you!"
This is the only way I could move on. Maybe I'm supposed to feel this way, to give up hopes for now. I value my singlehood. I also fall out of love quite easily. Which means I can walk away. I know myself to be this way, to eventually extricate myself from some very tempting feelings and kill my feelings effectively. So dumping me can mean huge regrets. I make idiots pay, basically.

But this is an exception. I harbor no contempt over what happened or over the reason he suggested a "hiatus." I'm done crying over being a slave to my hormones, and I certainly don't wish to be menopausal with sagging breasts, hot flashes and other indications of estrogen deprivation. Romance is fleeting, but so is sadness. Complaining nor getting my ovaries removed will solve the problem, much less make me happy.

I got it from my mom. She's told me such horrible stories, but every time, she leaves every single jerk. So what if he still has feelings for her? It's his fucking fault. She cannot believe that they ask her if she's gonna go back to them. The answer's very obvious. That's the same set of lines she tells me whenever I'm miserable because of other people. She says "imagine how miserable I was, finding out that my boyfriend was totally what I didn't expect. But I told him that I can leave if he doesn't fix himself." Thank God I'm her daughter. She tells me I'm not quite there yet though.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I never cared. I do get sad and miserable, crying and losing sleep and refusing to eat. I just try not to be so public about my grieving. And I don't like being sad or angry, so given all problems solved and all questions answered on my end, it takes a day max for me to get over it. Still, "Without You" from My Fair Lady is filled with Eliza's contempt towards Higgins. When will there ever be a Broadway number about just plain falling out of love? Eh, Lea Salonga will suffice for now:

The sweetest songs fade to echoes in the wind
The best of times must end, so a new day can begin
And the dreams we dream that seem so real at night
Must meet the morning light and vanish from our sight

It's just good-bye, remember
Time was never our friend
We walked the road together
and we came to the end
It's just good-bye, now I won't tell you not to cry
But I swear that what we had won't die
Cause it isn't over, it's just good-bye

I close my eyes and I still can see your face
I know the truth of us, can't be bound by time or space
And the joy we shared, the magic that we've known
Is something that we own, though we may be alone

It's just good-bye
It doesn't really matter why
I know what we had can never die
Cause I'll always love you
Yes, I'll always love you
So, it's just good-bye

There's a Fine Fine Line

Nothing could explain how I feel right now than that song from Avenue Q. I just have to stop lying to myself in a one-sided story and seek the truth so I can live it. The only jolt I get back to reality is when hell blows up in my face.

I don't understand why I'm so upset over someone I poked at for being so spinelessly nice. I'm not supposed to care about him, and not miss not talking to him. But for him to state in one way or another that a way to any girl's heart is good old-fashioned chivalry just riled me up so much. Maybe he was joking, maybe he's stating what he does. Either way, I saw it as somewhat sexist, because it's as if the woman is treated as the gender role rather than as the person she is. I really don't believe that I want to care so much, either about the issue or the boy, but I do.

As of now, I feel like I've botched things up forever. Maybe everything I've imagined to be true never existed in real life. Maybe he never was attracted, he was never fully wrapped around my finger and that it all existed in my head. Whatever the case, I feel like crap.

There's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line between reality, and pretend
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love, and a waste of time
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye"
I guess if someone doesn't love you back, it isn't such a crime
But there's a fine, fine line between love, and a waste of your time
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for
For my own sanity I've got to close the door And walk away...
Oh...
There's a fine, fine line between together, and not.
And there's a fine, fine linebetween what you wanted,and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime.
There's a fine, fine line between love,
and a waste of time.

I'm Not That Girl

As much as I know the situation very well without obvious truths being spoken, why am I in denial? I mean, I'm not counting on sleeping tonight, I smile on the way back to my dorm, musical numbers about being in love play in my head, and I really feel it there...the tension isn't thick enough to be necessarily cut with a knife, but it's really there. But I'm denying it at the same time.
For something so exciting and positive on the surface, maybe I am afraid for lots of different reasons. Already my subconscious knows about the possible pain and the risk of losing oneself to someone else, and my mind's making excuses. I think I've mentioned it before, I value my personal freedom but I yearn for closeness at the same time. Singlehood is the risk-free decision to make, devoid of that unique joy from having a partner.
Funny how this happened three years ago, when I kept telling Jess "but I enjoy being single!" This isn't good. It's conflict, and it's not even that kind of juicy internal conflict that's novel-worthy. This kind of desire for two polar opposite things will screw me up regardless of whatever choice I make. I miss it dearly, a relationship with depth, among other things. And I've been single for years already. Being hurt is the last thing I should worry about. Oh well, here's some song lyrics to complement the mood of the post:

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy, but I'm not that girl

Don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are,
Don't remember that rush of joy,
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Every so often we long to steal, to the land of what might have been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb,
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl,
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows, I'm not that girl

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl