I'm Not That Girl

As much as I know the situation very well without obvious truths being spoken, why am I in denial? I mean, I'm not counting on sleeping tonight, I smile on the way back to my dorm, musical numbers about being in love play in my head, and I really feel it there...the tension isn't thick enough to be necessarily cut with a knife, but it's really there. But I'm denying it at the same time.
For something so exciting and positive on the surface, maybe I am afraid for lots of different reasons. Already my subconscious knows about the possible pain and the risk of losing oneself to someone else, and my mind's making excuses. I think I've mentioned it before, I value my personal freedom but I yearn for closeness at the same time. Singlehood is the risk-free decision to make, devoid of that unique joy from having a partner.
Funny how this happened three years ago, when I kept telling Jess "but I enjoy being single!" This isn't good. It's conflict, and it's not even that kind of juicy internal conflict that's novel-worthy. This kind of desire for two polar opposite things will screw me up regardless of whatever choice I make. I miss it dearly, a relationship with depth, among other things. And I've been single for years already. Being hurt is the last thing I should worry about. Oh well, here's some song lyrics to complement the mood of the post:

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy, but I'm not that girl

Don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are,
Don't remember that rush of joy,
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Every so often we long to steal, to the land of what might have been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb,
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl,
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows, I'm not that girl

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl