Recap and physicality

So I asked a social worker how to gauge if I'm over it. By the end of the talk, after starting with the words, "I was seventeen," I realized that I'm over the assault itself, but the effects of the assault will still take time, maybe even a lifetime. What happened was that the assault just made all of the work previously cut out for me raised onto such higher stakes. My quest for being understood and loved by others seems even more distant when it's my experience that makes me feel more different; as if my brain made me alienated enough. My misandry is just up in the air now. I don't talk about the assault itself, but I do talk about how badly I feel it has fucked up parts of my life. There's a difference. The only way I can get used to triggers of that event in my life is to recognize patterns...just like recognizing warning signs of depression all over again.

Oh, and one thing. I know a rapist at UCLA. He could very well become one if he doesn't know his limits. Sure, he can want sex all the time, but it's a goddamn two way street. It also doesn't pay to be manipulative either. I should've sent him to the slammer when I had the chance.

On the separate end of the spectrum, how does a girl know when to get physical before it screws things up? Should she just let it happen, and just hope and pray that she doesn't get attached and acts differently as a result, or purposely wait it out until she really can't think straight anymore? Truth of the matter is, it's such a rookie mistake to have it go so fast, because a girl can't really control how attached she gets, no matter how much she tells herself not to get attached beforehand (at least that's what happened to me). The morning after, does she like him and can't stop thinking about him? Duh, she slept with him. Can't always use something surefire like that for a guy. What happens afterward is that she starts thinking like a girlfriend even though it's not true. The path is truly dichotomous for a girl when she ventures to the land of the opposite sex. She can wholeheartedly believe in love and everything else that falls into place, or just sleep around and not give a care about any future with any guy. I seriously consider the thought of being a slut, and weigh it against that blissful monogamy down the road, but I can't beat myself up for sleeping with a guy too early. Then again, I sometimes forget: guys are total idiots too.