I thought I had moved on

I don't count, but it's almost been three years since I've been assaulted. So how should I be feeling? Should I think, "give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack and be patient, it's only been 3 years" or "this should well be behind you because it's been 3 years?"

Well, people have been noting that I was looking depressed last night at the PTSP Welcome Reception. To make up a half-truth, I said that I had a SPEAR session today, even though most SPEAR sessions leave me feeling like I know what to do (in other words, empowered). But it's true. I have a new SPEAR counselor, and thus I felt I had to tell her a semi-secret of mine.

I'm sure a lot of people know that I've been sexually assaulted before. But how many know the details? So I spilled the details, and it took a lot out of me. I'm surprised that I was almost to the brink of tears talking about how I know I'm prone to screwing up my closest friendships all because of the emotional distance I create in my head. That and I added how last year did quite a number on me.

So I'm left wondering how I will be handling that one event for the rest of my life. Will I cry some more, or will I eventually forget?