Okay, I'm either celibate or not even attracted to guys
Or maybe clubbing isn't my thing. It's just that...I dunno, it's kinda weird for me to be thinking about this at this hour. I just got back from an 80s theme in a nearby club, and my experience was so-so. I was still shy and inhibited, and tried to do anything that could possibly pass as dancing. So yeah, you could guess how I felt when James would ask me to dance. A bit like this-> :\ because he dances, I don't.
Jess has asked me before, "Do you really not like him?" Sad to say, yes. Sometimes I don't want to say no, but I seem to get into more trouble by not saying anything. The stuff he does that could count as affection doesn't get to me. Sure, I consider reciprocating, but what does that make me? miserable, possibly. Perhaps deep down I mean it more than I will ever say out loud: "I don't like him" I don't regret this night turning out the way it did, James dancing with someone else, Rhommel being the gentleman for me by letting me borrow his jacket in the cold, or that fact that my good night to James was curt and abrupt.
That could be the most obvious explanatory reason. Want more? Okay, maybe I don't reciprocate because I'm celibate. You see, after having a terrifying account of sex without love (or consent for that matter), I religiously live by the fact that it is best done in the context of love. So it could just be that I swear off men as a vow (for now at least).
Okay, now this reason is ludicrous. Am I a lesbian? It's hard for me to judge it based on whatever gender I've held carnal desires towards because I supress my 'carnal desires' in the first place. I can't question it quite yet.
At the dance, I had a feeling Mikey would be there. Mikey is my filipino eye candy whom I'd prefer to admire from afar. He had his hair bleached while rushing for Zeta Phi Rho which can also explain why he hasn't been in the dorms much. One day, I'd like to sing a Disney duet with him. If I ever obsess any more, then maybe I'll have more delusional hopes, but none for now.
Of course, what is my life with the pursuit of an instrumentalist? I'll write about it until you, the reader, can figure it out for yourself, or until I'm absolutely crazy.
I keep secret crushes...now is no exception.
Jess has asked me before, "Do you really not like him?" Sad to say, yes. Sometimes I don't want to say no, but I seem to get into more trouble by not saying anything. The stuff he does that could count as affection doesn't get to me. Sure, I consider reciprocating, but what does that make me? miserable, possibly. Perhaps deep down I mean it more than I will ever say out loud: "I don't like him" I don't regret this night turning out the way it did, James dancing with someone else, Rhommel being the gentleman for me by letting me borrow his jacket in the cold, or that fact that my good night to James was curt and abrupt.
That could be the most obvious explanatory reason. Want more? Okay, maybe I don't reciprocate because I'm celibate. You see, after having a terrifying account of sex without love (or consent for that matter), I religiously live by the fact that it is best done in the context of love. So it could just be that I swear off men as a vow (for now at least).
Okay, now this reason is ludicrous. Am I a lesbian? It's hard for me to judge it based on whatever gender I've held carnal desires towards because I supress my 'carnal desires' in the first place. I can't question it quite yet.
At the dance, I had a feeling Mikey would be there. Mikey is my filipino eye candy whom I'd prefer to admire from afar. He had his hair bleached while rushing for Zeta Phi Rho which can also explain why he hasn't been in the dorms much. One day, I'd like to sing a Disney duet with him. If I ever obsess any more, then maybe I'll have more delusional hopes, but none for now.
Of course, what is my life with the pursuit of an instrumentalist? I'll write about it until you, the reader, can figure it out for yourself, or until I'm absolutely crazy.
I keep secret crushes...now is no exception.
posted by Dawn at 3:37 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home