"No, not me, I'm a mess"
It's one of my most common things to say. Now, why the f**k do I do that?
Humans don't mean to screw up. They just have a lot to learn. So it's very easy to screw up opportunities. It's easy to appear nakedly desperate and insecure to love interests without even thinking about it. Maybe it's because we really are messes, full of baggage, but there's tons of girls who have a ridiculous amount of baggage who are in relationships, leading me to believe why my couples aversion is much more conspicuous than it really is. Many have experience to teach them how to deal with the opposite sex, or there are a few who are just enviably and resentfully lucky.
Have I really lost sight of who I was? Oh pish posh. Then again I previously did say I missed me. Me, who was single by choice for years with the (maybe false) sense of power that came with it. And I plan to recapture that and keep it that way, after having some curveballs of life thrown at me. I'll only say one sentence on it: sexual violence and nonconsensual sex robs. Save the search for the one for when it really matters. I don't think college is the best time to look for that kind of fun, so maybe I'll keep it that way. There's no time right now to commit successfully; I don't trust myself to do that very well despite all the emotional maturity and intensive thinking of the world's processes that I spew forth. In short, perhaps deep down I'm not looking for "the forever guy" right now, and that's why I almost deliberately make up some horrible reason for previous breakups and other ways to say "no, not me, I'm a mess." It's difficult to be so sure of that because saying that seems to imply that it's not worth having those blips of fun with flings. Those just come at the price of unnecessary pain and attachment.
I vow to love my singlehood like I have before, and I also plan not to force any changes.
I'm human too, and I have my share of pain to remind me. But I want my state of mind to be back to the way things are, with a little bit more useful knowledge on me. If I could only learn to snub certain people well enough and be able to take down my image/shell of being the untouchable "Queen of England" at will, then that'd be great. I can't lie forever, because no matter how hard I can try, apparently my core being and my mind will eventually snatch any paroxysm I make to make me say, "no, not me, I'm a mess and I'm nothing of what you thought I was."
Humans don't mean to screw up. They just have a lot to learn. So it's very easy to screw up opportunities. It's easy to appear nakedly desperate and insecure to love interests without even thinking about it. Maybe it's because we really are messes, full of baggage, but there's tons of girls who have a ridiculous amount of baggage who are in relationships, leading me to believe why my couples aversion is much more conspicuous than it really is. Many have experience to teach them how to deal with the opposite sex, or there are a few who are just enviably and resentfully lucky.
Have I really lost sight of who I was? Oh pish posh. Then again I previously did say I missed me. Me, who was single by choice for years with the (maybe false) sense of power that came with it. And I plan to recapture that and keep it that way, after having some curveballs of life thrown at me. I'll only say one sentence on it: sexual violence and nonconsensual sex robs. Save the search for the one for when it really matters. I don't think college is the best time to look for that kind of fun, so maybe I'll keep it that way. There's no time right now to commit successfully; I don't trust myself to do that very well despite all the emotional maturity and intensive thinking of the world's processes that I spew forth. In short, perhaps deep down I'm not looking for "the forever guy" right now, and that's why I almost deliberately make up some horrible reason for previous breakups and other ways to say "no, not me, I'm a mess." It's difficult to be so sure of that because saying that seems to imply that it's not worth having those blips of fun with flings. Those just come at the price of unnecessary pain and attachment.
I vow to love my singlehood like I have before, and I also plan not to force any changes.
I'm human too, and I have my share of pain to remind me. But I want my state of mind to be back to the way things are, with a little bit more useful knowledge on me. If I could only learn to snub certain people well enough and be able to take down my image/shell of being the untouchable "Queen of England" at will, then that'd be great. I can't lie forever, because no matter how hard I can try, apparently my core being and my mind will eventually snatch any paroxysm I make to make me say, "no, not me, I'm a mess and I'm nothing of what you thought I was."
posted by Dawn at 10:06 PM
1 Comments:
in retrospect, yes... having to edit this would be too much hassle.
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