Disenchantment
Disenchantment is a milestone for every prospective long-term relationship. It's almost cliché to talk about the "honeymoon stage" and whatnot. But it's only cliché because it's true.
Just how hard does reality hit? Frankly, I don't know if I myself am going through a perfectly normal transition. Am I ever going to go back to that time when I used to think that he's so great? It feels like you hit rock bottom, when you find out things about the other person that aren't so great...I bet he can say the same about me. Finding out nobody's perfect can feel like you just fell through the clouds, literally. It makes you wonder if it's worth ever getting back up again.
All over again, I have to start some things from scratch, to learn how to truly love this person whom I'm supposed to share a large amount of my life with. Am I going to be able to love this person regardless of (insert bad trait here)? Is this something I'll have to put up with for as long as I'm with them?
In a way, my relationship is like a newborn. It requires constant care and feeding. I have to make an effort to fight fairly and talk to him when I'm not desperate to get my needs met by him. Patience goes a long way too. It keeps me up at night. But it's supposed to be worth it.
Well, isn't it?
Relationships are thankless jobs only if you make them out to be. You invest in them, and it's not a "tit for tat" kind of deal. Think of it that way, and you'll be discontent waiting for repayment on terms only you understand. Just because you scrubbed the stovetop, you're gonna wait until he washes the dishes? What if he doesn't wash the dishes and while he thinks everything's great; there's that unnecessary negativity building up on one side that can only mess things up.
How do you know if the sour point is really just a phase, or if that is as good as it's gonna get?
A really iffy way to find out is to give it the test of time. This one requires mutual consent with the surefire commitment to see it through. And yes, it includes talking to one's partner and riskily sharing your feelings with them. Because the moment that at least one party starts thinking that it's not worth it is the moment the relationship "jumps the shark" so to say. In that case, time only sours the relationship and ferments the discontent...it's like unplucked hair stuck in a shower drain. The dirty water builds up and while the relationship is still alive, it's got a rancid quality to it. So my advice on giving it the test of time is this: Only when both sides are truly committed to it.
Another way is to think it through. The use of friends, trusted confidantes and shrinks can help immensely. It's been proven time and again (and academically noted by contemporary eminent thinker Noam Chomsky) that a thinker's capabilities stem from its objectivity. In layman's terms, you can't see your situation clearly especially when you're in the middle of it. So yes, when you want to ponder, do have sounding boards. Pay for one if you have to. Maybe, just maybe you might score points if you discuss this with the partner.
Points to consider when thinking it through:
Is this a superficial relationship?
Can you seriously do well emotionally without it, or will the memories haunt you forever and debilitate your future? (Don't laugh, it has happened to certain people)
Is this relationship actually bad for you? (This one's a toughie)
Are you sure you're not just taking him or her for granted? (What are the things only he or she does for you?)
Is the relationship salvagable at a worthy cost?
Do you see neverending compromise in the future? (And by compromise I mean unbearable)
Are either of you in any position to continue working at it? (not a matter of wanting to commit to it, but determining whether you are actually capable of maintaining a relationship)
There's plenty more questions, but from what I can gather in terms of what I just wrote and what I just experienced, what has to be done is not easy. Getting through
disenchantment involves getting into uncomfortable emotional
and mental situations and facing it head-on. It's like those times
when friends and family who believe in you and your relationship with the person that's supposed to
be the love of your life are encouraging you to "talk to them."
Any definitive sliver of knowledge or reasoning can ease your aching morale at a time like this.
Just how hard does reality hit? Frankly, I don't know if I myself am going through a perfectly normal transition. Am I ever going to go back to that time when I used to think that he's so great? It feels like you hit rock bottom, when you find out things about the other person that aren't so great...I bet he can say the same about me. Finding out nobody's perfect can feel like you just fell through the clouds, literally. It makes you wonder if it's worth ever getting back up again.
All over again, I have to start some things from scratch, to learn how to truly love this person whom I'm supposed to share a large amount of my life with. Am I going to be able to love this person regardless of (insert bad trait here)? Is this something I'll have to put up with for as long as I'm with them?
In a way, my relationship is like a newborn. It requires constant care and feeding. I have to make an effort to fight fairly and talk to him when I'm not desperate to get my needs met by him. Patience goes a long way too. It keeps me up at night. But it's supposed to be worth it.
Well, isn't it?
Relationships are thankless jobs only if you make them out to be. You invest in them, and it's not a "tit for tat" kind of deal. Think of it that way, and you'll be discontent waiting for repayment on terms only you understand. Just because you scrubbed the stovetop, you're gonna wait until he washes the dishes? What if he doesn't wash the dishes and while he thinks everything's great; there's that unnecessary negativity building up on one side that can only mess things up.
How do you know if the sour point is really just a phase, or if that is as good as it's gonna get?
A really iffy way to find out is to give it the test of time. This one requires mutual consent with the surefire commitment to see it through. And yes, it includes talking to one's partner and riskily sharing your feelings with them. Because the moment that at least one party starts thinking that it's not worth it is the moment the relationship "jumps the shark" so to say. In that case, time only sours the relationship and ferments the discontent...it's like unplucked hair stuck in a shower drain. The dirty water builds up and while the relationship is still alive, it's got a rancid quality to it. So my advice on giving it the test of time is this: Only when both sides are truly committed to it.
Another way is to think it through. The use of friends, trusted confidantes and shrinks can help immensely. It's been proven time and again (and academically noted by contemporary eminent thinker Noam Chomsky) that a thinker's capabilities stem from its objectivity. In layman's terms, you can't see your situation clearly especially when you're in the middle of it. So yes, when you want to ponder, do have sounding boards. Pay for one if you have to. Maybe, just maybe you might score points if you discuss this with the partner.
Points to consider when thinking it through:
Is this a superficial relationship?
Can you seriously do well emotionally without it, or will the memories haunt you forever and debilitate your future? (Don't laugh, it has happened to certain people)
Is this relationship actually bad for you? (This one's a toughie)
Are you sure you're not just taking him or her for granted? (What are the things only he or she does for you?)
Is the relationship salvagable at a worthy cost?
Do you see neverending compromise in the future? (And by compromise I mean unbearable)
Are either of you in any position to continue working at it? (not a matter of wanting to commit to it, but determining whether you are actually capable of maintaining a relationship)
There's plenty more questions, but from what I can gather in terms of what I just wrote and what I just experienced, what has to be done is not easy. Getting through
disenchantment involves getting into uncomfortable emotional
and mental situations and facing it head-on. It's like those times
when friends and family who believe in you and your relationship with the person that's supposed to
be the love of your life are encouraging you to "talk to them."
Any definitive sliver of knowledge or reasoning can ease your aching morale at a time like this.
posted by Dawn at 11:28 PM
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