It's okay to dream
So exactly what epitomizes stupidity when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex? Is it being too timid to try anything, or trying so many things and falling short of your expectations every single time in public? And is being delusional stupid? If all's fair in love and war, is losing one's dignity fair enough?
I'm not Candace Bushnell, nor am I Carrie Bradshaw. Perhaps I should be thankful I'm not either. But I still wrestle with my mind's preoccupation to be so fixated on men. Like, I used to think it was stupid to always talk about them, to be so shameless, insecure and feel so powerless because of them. But I'm in the same trap, just like how the United States falls into the clutches and allure of possessing its own colonies when it used to criticize other world powers like Great Britain for the same thing. Am I being stupid (the one thing I do not ever want to be) for even giving the subject the time of day in my own mind? Is it silly to think that someday I'll marry my fabulous doctor, and maybe follow him to New York (because New York has always been the city of my dreams ever since high school)? I'm told that it's normal. It's normal to be so hopeful of sharing a future with some wonderful person. Funny, it's doesn't feel normal to me. After 19 years of having mother figures like my own mother and her sister, who have careers and didn't really seem to care so much about men, I feel like I'm betraying my innermost beliefs. Mom didn't have to marry dad, but they have something genuine. Tita's single, but she shares her love with her nieces and nephews. That's the kind of attention that felt good when I was younger and more impressionable. And then my parents tell me to focus on my studies, that they don't matter. All of this adds up to the belief that there is so much happiness that doesn't include male companionship. When my brain believes so much of that, why do I still act against that?
My heart deserves a chance. It needs times during the day when I can imagine what should make me happy. And no, it doesn't include lust. Why do I prefer to marry a fabulous doctor, and why do I fancy anywhere but LA? To have nights when talking about the world in such a unique way is an equally intense form of sharing as its physical equivalent? My brain will never know. Maybe my brain doesn't have to understand it. It doesn't mean I have to discount what my heart has to say either.
Sure, it's stupid, but only when the mind adopts such a narrow paradigm so much that it believes anything is stupid.
I'm not Candace Bushnell, nor am I Carrie Bradshaw. Perhaps I should be thankful I'm not either. But I still wrestle with my mind's preoccupation to be so fixated on men. Like, I used to think it was stupid to always talk about them, to be so shameless, insecure and feel so powerless because of them. But I'm in the same trap, just like how the United States falls into the clutches and allure of possessing its own colonies when it used to criticize other world powers like Great Britain for the same thing. Am I being stupid (the one thing I do not ever want to be) for even giving the subject the time of day in my own mind? Is it silly to think that someday I'll marry my fabulous doctor, and maybe follow him to New York (because New York has always been the city of my dreams ever since high school)? I'm told that it's normal. It's normal to be so hopeful of sharing a future with some wonderful person. Funny, it's doesn't feel normal to me. After 19 years of having mother figures like my own mother and her sister, who have careers and didn't really seem to care so much about men, I feel like I'm betraying my innermost beliefs. Mom didn't have to marry dad, but they have something genuine. Tita's single, but she shares her love with her nieces and nephews. That's the kind of attention that felt good when I was younger and more impressionable. And then my parents tell me to focus on my studies, that they don't matter. All of this adds up to the belief that there is so much happiness that doesn't include male companionship. When my brain believes so much of that, why do I still act against that?
My heart deserves a chance. It needs times during the day when I can imagine what should make me happy. And no, it doesn't include lust. Why do I prefer to marry a fabulous doctor, and why do I fancy anywhere but LA? To have nights when talking about the world in such a unique way is an equally intense form of sharing as its physical equivalent? My brain will never know. Maybe my brain doesn't have to understand it. It doesn't mean I have to discount what my heart has to say either.
Sure, it's stupid, but only when the mind adopts such a narrow paradigm so much that it believes anything is stupid.
posted by Dawn at 2:22 PM
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