Need for male companionship
For as long as I can remember, I've been somewhat anti-male. I never had any crushes in elementary school, I was disgusted by the class heartthrob at the time (so what if he looked like Mark-Paul Gosselar, he had gross teeth), I hated my guy friends for making fun of my chest in 5th grade, and that set the stage for the immense amount of relief I felt setting foot in an all-girls high school for the first time. My mentality was usually, they don't matter, or they're stupid. Forced crushes obviously didn't work. I never reciprocated any crushes in elementary school either. And if I felt drawn to a guy, it was physical. I drooled over his looks, not primarily his smarts. Amazingly, I didn't believe in attachment in high school. Dances were fun, and I could care less about exchanging numbers at the end of the night. I didn't fully reciprocate whenever faced with mad confessions of infatuation.
How did this anti-male mentality begin? Probably because I didn't like my dad when I was growing up. I hated how he seemed more impersonal and even more negative than my mom. He would dress me like a boy, which I got used to but I liked wearing dresses and skirts, and I liked mom more. She couldn't spend as much time because she was off to work or cooking in the kitchen, but whenever she was around, it was well-cherished. As for my dad, all he did was yell, and even if it wasn't directed towards me, I would cower whenever he raised his voice. I hated living in that kind of fear, and it was because of my father. Just so I wouldn't feel so bad, I had to start believing that his words mean nothing, and maybe dad and other people like him don't matter.
So does the anti-male ideology that make me a feminist? It sure was easy to adopt their tenets after a firsthand account of feeling limited/oppressed.
Yeah, this did not come from high school alone. I hardly had any male peers in high school. Even through puberty I figured they're only good for sex. I forgot that I can have feelings for them, as much as they can be the enemy that I perceived them to be. And if I'm not careful, I could develop feelings for someone who will not hold them in high regard.
Even though I started to carve out a belief that boys didn't matter, the Disney movies that I'd watch over and over as a little child made so much sense. Cinderella meets her prince, and it's sweet because she's happy. Aladdin and Jasmine are happy together, and are even happier when they get married. Ariel gets to marry Eric and gets that much-deserved happiness after moving earth and sky to get legs. Plus, my parents are so happy. Just looking at the pictures of them together creates the fuzzy feeling in its viewers.
At some point in my life I thought about becoming a nun. Celibacy, charity, good works, prayer, it all sounds good, sounds easy. Then it made me laugh because I probably would be a horrible nun when I really thought about it.
In my first year of college, I attended my Ate's wedding. We knew about her fiancé and their ups and downs, and he's such a great guy. I almost cried when they were exchanging the vows. That was when reality hit me. In my senior year of high school my teacher mentioned that the average age for marriage is in the mid-20s. Holy crap. That's less than a decade. The closer the issue of marriage approached me, the more I freaked out.
I'm turning 20 in less than a month. I'm starting to be a total girl about the opposite sex; I can't just jump into things physically without a great deal of risk, because now there's the extreme likelihood of getting attached. I hate it. I fight it so much. I don't like attachment, I don't like being delusionally happy, but there's a reason why it's on my mind so much. Because what I was born to want and desire is finally catching up with me. Enjoying one's singlehood doesn't always mean hating men.
Maybe I'm not really anti-male; I just haven't met anybody who literally blows my mind. I really would like to get married and have a family. It's funny how I treat it like such a new, foreign concept in my life. And maybe I'm like most people who have this need for male companionship. Most of all, just because I picture a future with someone out there doesn't make me any less of a person, including all of my closet type-A behavior.
How did this anti-male mentality begin? Probably because I didn't like my dad when I was growing up. I hated how he seemed more impersonal and even more negative than my mom. He would dress me like a boy, which I got used to but I liked wearing dresses and skirts, and I liked mom more. She couldn't spend as much time because she was off to work or cooking in the kitchen, but whenever she was around, it was well-cherished. As for my dad, all he did was yell, and even if it wasn't directed towards me, I would cower whenever he raised his voice. I hated living in that kind of fear, and it was because of my father. Just so I wouldn't feel so bad, I had to start believing that his words mean nothing, and maybe dad and other people like him don't matter.
So does the anti-male ideology that make me a feminist? It sure was easy to adopt their tenets after a firsthand account of feeling limited/oppressed.
Yeah, this did not come from high school alone. I hardly had any male peers in high school. Even through puberty I figured they're only good for sex. I forgot that I can have feelings for them, as much as they can be the enemy that I perceived them to be. And if I'm not careful, I could develop feelings for someone who will not hold them in high regard.
Even though I started to carve out a belief that boys didn't matter, the Disney movies that I'd watch over and over as a little child made so much sense. Cinderella meets her prince, and it's sweet because she's happy. Aladdin and Jasmine are happy together, and are even happier when they get married. Ariel gets to marry Eric and gets that much-deserved happiness after moving earth and sky to get legs. Plus, my parents are so happy. Just looking at the pictures of them together creates the fuzzy feeling in its viewers.
At some point in my life I thought about becoming a nun. Celibacy, charity, good works, prayer, it all sounds good, sounds easy. Then it made me laugh because I probably would be a horrible nun when I really thought about it.
In my first year of college, I attended my Ate's wedding. We knew about her fiancé and their ups and downs, and he's such a great guy. I almost cried when they were exchanging the vows. That was when reality hit me. In my senior year of high school my teacher mentioned that the average age for marriage is in the mid-20s. Holy crap. That's less than a decade. The closer the issue of marriage approached me, the more I freaked out.
I'm turning 20 in less than a month. I'm starting to be a total girl about the opposite sex; I can't just jump into things physically without a great deal of risk, because now there's the extreme likelihood of getting attached. I hate it. I fight it so much. I don't like attachment, I don't like being delusionally happy, but there's a reason why it's on my mind so much. Because what I was born to want and desire is finally catching up with me. Enjoying one's singlehood doesn't always mean hating men.
Maybe I'm not really anti-male; I just haven't met anybody who literally blows my mind. I really would like to get married and have a family. It's funny how I treat it like such a new, foreign concept in my life. And maybe I'm like most people who have this need for male companionship. Most of all, just because I picture a future with someone out there doesn't make me any less of a person, including all of my closet type-A behavior.
posted by Dawn at 12:43 PM
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